"Love doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners
And the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
And we keep loving anyway
We laugh and we cry
And we break
And we make our mistakes."
These words from Hamilton hit me in the heart every time I hear them. I don't know if I can describe the last six months any better. Or describe life any better, for that matter.
I've been told that it will get better, but I'm still waiting. I spoke with a friend of mine today who lost her son too early, as well. She said that it's really not true. The pain is always the same. The emptiness doesn't go away. We just learn to cope with it.
I look tough on the outside. But I'm still a mess internally. I still cry every day. I still struggle with my motivation to do anything. I still question and wish and wonder.
But one thing God is teaching me - Instead of focusing on my disappointment of how Caleb chose to die, why am I not focusing on how proud I am of how he lived? This would not be affecting so many people if Caleb had not lived a life of love and giving. His death was a tragedy, but his life was a legacy. I am daily surprised the people who reach out to me to tell me how Caleb friended them or helped them through a rough period or just made them laugh.
I am so proud of my boy. So proud! I will always see him sitting next to me in the car, reminded of our many trips together where he just wanted to talk to me, and I will smile more and try to cry less. I know that's what he would want.
