Wise Words from Dr. Jack Shephard

My 16 year old son, his girlfriend, and I have been (slowly) making our way through the "Lost" tv series.  Even slower when Netflix decided to take it off their program list (Shame on you, Netflix!).  But we found a way to continue, and we only have 3 episodes left!  (No spoilers please!)

It's amazing how God sends you reminders of things you need to hear in the most unusual ways.  So, in the last episode of "Lost" that we watched last night, tears filled my eyes.  Jack Shephard was speaking to John Locke (the best character ever!) about an accident that occurred to Locke's father.  Locke blamed himself, was actually punishing himself,  and couldn't move on from his horrible mistake.  Jack said the following to him - "Punish yourself as much as you want; that's never gonna bring him back.  What happened, happened, and you can let it go."

Those words hit me so hard.  This has been my greatest struggle since losing Caleb.  My part.  My mistakes.  How I should have listened better to what he wasn't telling me.  How I should have asked the questions I was scared to know the answers to.  How I should have fought harder and not expected for Caleb to just "get better" or "do better". 

What could I have changed?  Maybe nothing.  Or maybe everything.  That's the crappy thing about life.  I won't ever know. 

Not long ago, I wrote a mom blogger who I have so much respect for, who has also lost her son to suicide.  I shared my story and asked her questions.  One question I asked her was, "Do you ever really forgive yourself?"  I was so grateful that she answered me truthfully with a "no".

Some would say that I have to forgive myself.  That I have to "let go", as Dr. Jack Shephard said, of the uncertainties and "what if" questions.  I know I need to stop, as far as punishing myself.  But also there is a good thing about holding onto those questions.  It allows me to share with others the mistakes I made.  Maybe, just maybe, to change another parent's thinking.  To make them realize that they need to ask those hard questions and not to be scared of the truth, the reality, of their child's mind.  Because if I can hold onto those mistakes and share them bravely - no, it won't bring Caleb back, but it may keep many others from going down the same path as he did. 

Parents, friends, family members - Listen closely to what is not being said out loud.  Do not take for granted the odd behavior and even the rebellion.  Be the person who is brave enough to ask, help, and love. 

Visiting "that" Place

Two blog posts in one day!  I'm making up for lost time!

This blog post is to share, but I mostly would like it to also be a discussion.  So, please comment, below after reading, to share you insight.

Our son, Caleb, took his life by jumping off the Arthur Ravenel Bridge in Charleston, SC, last year.   That was a Thursday.  My husband and I arrived in Charleston late Thursday night and didn't get the official information about our son's death until the next morning on Friday.  At the time, I felt like we needed to stay the weekend in the Charleston area.  I think we said it was in case his body was found quickly.  Maybe it was a hopeful act that the police were wrong.  But I just couldn't leave the town where Caleb's body was lost. 

The next day, Saturday, my husband and several of our family members wanted to visit the bridge.  See exactly where Caleb jumped, ask questions, maybe try to understand better.  The lead detective took them.   I chose not to go.  I did not want to visit "that" place. It was so fresh, and I didn't think I could emotionally handle it.  I didn't want to look out and see the last view Caleb's eyes saw.   I didn't want my feet to touch those same steps on the bridge.

It was also because I hated Charleston that weekend.  I found it very ironic that Caleb would choose Charleston to take his life.  It was popularly known in our house that this was "Mom's favorite place".  I was always threatening the boys that I wanted to wake them up early one Saturday morning and go down there, just for the day, to walk around that beautiful city.   So, I couldn't understand why Caleb would chose "that" place;  my favorite place.  That he looked at my favorite view as his last view.  Maybe there is something poetic about this, but I just felt anger and hatred towards the city.   I knew I would say goodbye to Charleston that weekend and planned to never go back.  It was tainted now. 

We would later find out that Caleb's decision was more about logistics.  He wanted to take his life in a way that caused that least "physical" damage to us and in a way that had the highest outcome of success.  He read the articles about others taking their life on that bridge, and it seemed a logical choice.  It wasn't about me.  It wasn't about Charleston.  He probably wasn't thinking of either that day. 

So, I still have had no desire to visit Charleston since.  Not the town, nor the bridge.  And it makes me sad, because it is an amazing city.  I do miss it and hate that my heart isn't sure it can go back there. 

But our therapist thinks that maybe I should reconsider.  He says that this happens to many people who have had a tragedy in a particular location.  You cut off that part of the world, saying "I won't ever drive down that road again" or "I can't ever be at that house (or city, or building)."  So, you end up cutting off that part of the world, making your world smaller, because you have labeled this place evil or bad.   That if you can forgive that place and realize your pain is not about a location, your world doesn't have to be smaller. 

So, this is what I'd like to discuss.  Not if that idea is right or wrong (I believe he's right), but would like to hear others' experiences in this area.  How did you go back?  Why was it important?  Did it make a difference?  How did it change you?

I appreciate sharing your heart!

365 Days

A year ago this minute, Caleb knew this was his last moments in our house. A year ago this evening, we were saying good night to him. His brother would share a room with him for the last time. A year ago tomorrow morning, I would send my last text to Caleb, reminding him to come to the McDonald's fundraiser after play rehearsal. He would reply "Cool", while at the same time, he was backing his stuff up to drive to Charleston. A year ago tomorrow at approximately 4:00, I would receive a call from a detective that would make my heart stop and never really start beating again normally. A year ago 36 hours from now, Sean and I would sit across from that same detective and hear him say there were witnesses; there's no doubt.

It's amazing how much does not change in 365 days. How the hurt feels the same. How the guilt is still heavy. How many questions are still unanswered. How utterly unnecessary it all feels - "if he had only", "if I had only", "if someone had only". 

One year is not a mark I want to cross. It will be the end of being able to think or say things like "A year ago today..."; thinking of what we were doing a "year ago" when Caleb was still here. How simple it was. How we had no idea our lives were about to change forever. How we had no idea how diseased Caleb's mind really was. It will be the end of being able to think, "If I could just go back to this day last year... I know that I could turn everything around." Maybe I'm fooling myself, but somehow my pretend time machine gives me pretend hope. 

Tomorrow there will be no more "a year ago" moments in regards to memories with Caleb. That breaks my heart. The year has been too long. The year has been too short. Caleb was just here, sitting in the living room chair across from me, focusing on his phone more than "being present" with the family. He was just talking excitedly in the kitchen about the next phase with the theatre, contemplating his next part, and giving me all the theatre gossip. He was just there in his bed in the morning, refusing to get up the 2nd or 3rd time I woke him, with me feeling exasperated on how I should make him get up. He was just in my car, sitting next to me, talking nonstop while we traveled to our latest college tour or theatre show.

So, we survived one year. But that's all it feels like I've been doing - surviving. I know that I need to live again. And I will. It's time to make peace and smile more than hurt. This world is just not the same without you, Caleb. My life is just not the same without you, Caleb. 

But. But. It is so much better for it. I am so much of a better person because you lived in my home for 17 years. I will be so much of a better person because you've lived in my heart this past year and will continue to live there until my last day on Earth. Right before I get to hug you again. 

Thank you for making me a mom - your Mom. And thank you for every minute, every day, every year with and without you.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 6.

(This past week, Sept. 10-16th, was National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

Even though this is my last post in my series this week, Sean and I both know that this has only been the beginning of Caleb's story. We've talked about how Caleb could have died in a car accident or with an illness, and it may have made our personal grieving process slightly easier (not dealing with the guilt part of it). But that's not how his time on Earth ended. It ended with his choice. And because of his choice, it's harder on us, but it gives us a message to spread. So, we can reach out to parents of hurting kids and share how to learn from our mistakes. So, we can reach out to troubled kids and teens and say that we actually get it now and share all the reasons to not give up.

This is the part of this whole terrible journey that gives me hope. I can't change the past. I can't change the choices I made. But I can absolutely change how I react in the future. I can try my best to help other parents learn from our mistakes. I can try my best to help other teens learn from Caleb's insecurities and poor choices. Today is a new day for all of us, no matter which side of the story we are on. There is always a light of hope, even in the darkest darkness.

The other source of peace that I have is knowing that Caleb is not gone forever. I gave my life to Jesus Christ a long time ago, and I know that He is in control, even when it feels like He's disappointed me. And I am so grateful to say that Caleb had a real encounter with God a few years ago. Despite his uncertainties of God's existence, he couldn't deny the Spirit he felt, and Caleb gave his life to Christ. Caleb is on the other side of the veil waiting for us. I know that I will get to put my arms around that skinny body again and hug him so hard! I can't imagine not having that peace that comes with knowing there is another side after death, that we don't just disappear into nothingness, and the pain of our separation will be gone for eternity.

God's peace is open to us all. Just like asking for help, we have to ask for God's peace. But it is waiting in abundance; we just have to take it.

I am so grateful for all the messages and notes I have received this week saying that my posts have touched your hearts and helped your soul. Please know that I am always welcome to talk to anyone if I can ever be of assistance to listen or more. Love to you all!

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 5.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

It has been a busy few evenings; sorry that I'm delayed with my posts! But today, I want to take a more professional angle to sharing.

I recently wrote an email to an administrator in our school district who had asked me, back in February, to share with him if Sean or I ever had any suggestions to prevent another suicide among our teens or assist teens who are struggling. I wrote him with some suggestions, but I also researched some statistics. I shared these with him to show how common these feelings are and the importance of not looking at Caleb (or the other losses our district and others have had the past few years) as "one time" events each time they occur. These are the statistics I shared:

- Suicide is the second leading cause of death for college age youth and ages 12-18.

- Among students grades 9-12 in the U.S during 2013-14: 17% state they seriously considered attempting suicide, 13% made a plan on how to attempt suicide, 8% attempted suicide one or more times - in the past 12 months. 

- 90% of suicide victims suffer from mental illness, and suffering from depression can make a teenager as much as 12 times more likely to attempt suicide.

- Anxiety disorders affect one in eight children. These children are more at risk to perform poorly in school, miss out on important social experiences, and engage in substance abuse.

In 2015, 12.5% of the US population of age 12-17 had at least one major depressive episode in the past year.

- Less than 33% of teens with depression get help, yet 80% of teens with depression can be successfully treated.

                                                                                                     

I share these statistics now for two reasons. One - If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or thoughts of suicide, you are not alone! You are not weird and nothing is wrong with you. This is, unfortunately, very common. But pay attention to that last statistic in particular. Only 33% seek out help but 80% can be successfully treated. (And I tend to believe that 80% number is too low.) Do not be scared to ask for help or talk to someone about what you are feeling because you are scared of what they will think of you. If you find the right adult (a teacher, pastor, or guidance counselor in particular), chances are that you will not tell them something that they haven't heard before. They will not be shocked or think less of you. They will actually think more highly of you because you were brave enough to stand up and seek help.

Secondly, we adults - parents, school teachers, administrators, and church leaders - need to do more! Look at the reality of what is going on out there. These kids are struggling and they need us! They will try to smile and fool us, but it is up to us to do the hard work and ask deeper questions and try to see into their hearts.

Think of the progress we can make if we break the stereotype of teen depression and anxiety and the stereotype of suicide, and we realize how not to be afraid to be honest and ask for help and we realize how not to be timid and reach out in order to help when we suspect a need in someone else! Be brave!

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 4.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.) (Sorry, a few hours late!)

Today, I want to talk about perception. The perception we have of ourselves and the perception we have of others.

We were given a glimpse of Caleb's true thoughts when we found two "stream of consciousness" writings / journal entries. In both, it was very evident that Caleb was filled with so much anger - anger at himself and anger at others.

Caleb had such a poor perception of himself. In several conversations over the last month or so of Caleb's life, he used the phrases, "something is wrong with me", "I'm not normal", and "I'm messed up". His therapist said they spoke often of how Caleb viewed himself versus how everyone else saw him. I can't tell you how many times adults came up to me to tell me how impressed they were with something Caleb did or how he presented himself. He was so likeable and friendly. But for some reason, he couldn't see that side of himself. He also had a hard time forgiving himself. One of the last things Caleb did was send an apology to someone for a hurt he had caused them almost a year before. I had no idea that this was still weighing on him heavily, but he obviously had not been able to forgive himself and had to try to make it right before leaving this Earth.

Caleb thought he had a lot of people who "hated" him. It was all about stupid teenage stuff, but he took every jab and comment to heart, laughing out loud but pained each time. He also felt like he didn't have any true friends. I don't say this to hurt anyone, but just to show how manipulated his mind was. He would say and do things to see what kind of reaction he would get. His small way of asking for help without asking, but no one took the bait. Caleb wrote about the time he wore a blanket from home around his shoulders at school all day and how nobody asked why. He wrote that everyone thought he was "just weird Caleb". That and other comments he made to friends, I know were his way of "testing" others, to see how much they really cared. So, when he would say something crazy, and that friend didn't react, in Caleb's mind, that friend didn't care.

                                                                                

If this sounds familiar because either you do the same thing or it reminds you of something you see in others, I want to say that our perception isn't always accurate. First, do not judge what others think of you by what you think they think of you. (That's confusing!) That is hard to do; I'm still working on that one. We have no idea why someone else reacts to us the way they do. It could be their own insecurities, they could just not know what to say or do so they don't do anything, or their mind could be somewhere else at that moment. If you have a mature person who really cares for you tell you that you are good, and perfect, and just fine, believe them. Because you are good and perfect and just fine. We are all perfectly messed up and growing / changing every day. Not one of us is finished yet.

Also, be so very observant of ways others are maybe asking for help. I've talked before about the importance of saying the words, but the truth is, most people are still going to be too scared. If something stirs in your heart as not quite right, go to that person and check on them. I like the phrases, "How are you doing? ... No, REALLY, how are you doing?"

An image keeps coming to me that we are all porous. Nothing really bounces off of us. Teasing, conditions (such as "I won't be your friend if..."), and the judgement may look like they bounce off us, but they really seep through. Please be kind. You have no idea how your actions and words will affect that person, especially if it appears it has no effect at all.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 3.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

There are three things I wish I could have shared with Caleb. So, I hope they will help someone else:

1. This is temporary. I don't mean to minimize the struggle people go through with life long issues with depression. But what I mean is this specific struggle, this current pain, this point of hopelessness you feel right now - it is temporary. Struggles come and go. You never know who God will bring into your path tomorrow, who will have just the right word or tip that will make it better or easier. You will grow from this struggle and be stronger for it. It won't be the last struggle, but it won't last forever. Seek out new wisdom and keep searching for the answer. It will pass.

2. You have to do the work to get better, but you can't do it on your own. A friend of Caleb's, who he opened up to often, said that Caleb was obsessed with the idea that he had to help himself. That he couldn't depend on anyone else to make him better. He had to do it. It is true that no one has a "magic button" to make it all better. You will need to seek the information and then follow that information. But you can't find it on your own. You aren't thinking clearly and you actually need someone else to carry the burden WITH you. You are stronger when you have a team to help. It doesn't mean that you are weak or have given up. It means you are trying harder to survive when you ask for help.

3. The cliche' is true. When you take your life, you just transfer that pain to other people. Our family and Caleb's friends are living proof of that. He has friends that still struggle daily with the loss of Caleb in their everyday routines. His brother's lives will never be the same. They have been amazingly strong these past 7 months, but this is a loss that they will carry with them forever. And Sean and I will never be the same. I have described it feeling like a heavy emptiness. It never goes away. When I'm laughing or enjoying myself with others, it is still there; I can still feel it. There are moments I can't breathe. And moments I don't know if I can go on. I literally feel like I'm carrying Caleb's burden now.

Don't keep yourself in this pain and don't transfer it to the ones who love you. Ask for help. Don't wait another day to begin the path of healing and peace.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 2.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

Today, I'd like to talk to the teens. I feel such a passion now for helping others to know the signs and to know how to react. Not only because I feel like I failed Caleb, but because a lot of his friends failed him, too.

If your friend jokes about suicide, if your friend says "I thought about suicide before but not now", if your friend starts alienating himself from normal activities, if your friend starts making excuses for acting peculiar (or doesn't make excuses), if your friend just isn't himself, I want you to do two things. #1. Ask. Look them in the eye and ask how they are REALLY doing. Someone struggling with suicidal thoughts or even strong depression or anxiety are rarely going to ask for help. You have to ask them. Then no matter what the answer, do #2. Go tell an adult. No matter how smart or mature you are, you are not equipped with the knowledge and experience to know if they are telling the truth and to help them. It doesn't matter what adult, just tell one. You can say, "Hey, this may not be a big deal, but I'm kinda worried about ___. He said _____ which is odd." That's it. That's all you have to say. If the adult blows it off, tell one more adult, just to be sure. Hand that responsibility to someone else; don't leave it in your hands.

Risk making your friend mad or embarrassed, It will be temporary, but you never know what kind of permanent difference you can make.

Caleb made several comments to friends. Some friends thought he was better. Some knew he was seeing a therapist, so they thought he was talking to his therapist about his past suicidal thoughts (he wasn't), and some knew he wasn't doing good, but didn't know what to say. Not one told an adult. Please do not be scared to ask for help for your friend. Be brave and stand in the gap for that friend, because more than likely, they can't do it for themselves.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 1.

This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.

Today, I want to address the story to parents. Caleb first came to use two years ago and said, "I think something is wrong with me." He had been doing his own online research and thought it could be depression or ADD. We did not take it very seriously. We knew he was going through stress with changes at school. So, in our mind, he just had not finished adjusting to the changes. We gave advice and actually got him in touch with his school guidance counselor to meet with and talk about stress management and better time management. Over the next two years, Caleb would drop "hints" every once in awhile. He even shared with me "what I do when things are really bad". But through it all, I thought he just wasn't trying hard enough. If he would just do the things we would tell him, he would be just fine. Why couldn't he just make himself study or sleep or get out of bed. I thought it was a matter of choice.

Neither Sean nor I did any research. If I had just read some articles on teenage depression or anxiety, I would have seen the clear facts. I would have seen that Caleb didn't have a choice, that he was trying with all his might but was losing the fight.

I never in a million years would have thought Caleb would make the choice to end his life. So, I stayed in denial, didn't ask the questions that I didn't want answers to, and handed him to a therapist and believed that would solve his problems.

Parents - pay attention to what your child is not saying to you.

They are not going to look you in the eye and say, "I want to kill myself." We were lucky Caleb communicated with us as much as he did. Most parents who lose their child had no idea whatsoever that the child was suffering. Ask the hard questions. And search out every avenue of help, while telling your child that there is always hope and that you together aren't going to give up.

Love Does Not Discriminate.

"Love doesn't discriminate

Between the sinners

And the saints

It takes and it takes and it takes

And we keep loving anyway

We laugh and we cry

And we break

And we make our mistakes."

These words from Hamilton hit me in the heart every time I hear them. I don't know if I can describe the last six months any better. Or describe life any better, for that matter.

I've been told that it will get better, but I'm still waiting. I spoke with a friend of mine today who lost her son too early, as well. She said that it's really not true. The pain is always the same. The emptiness doesn't go away. We just learn to cope with it.

I look tough on the outside. But I'm still a mess internally. I still cry every day. I still struggle with my motivation to do anything. I still question and wish and wonder.

But one thing God is teaching me - Instead of focusing on my disappointment of how Caleb chose to die, why am I not focusing on how proud I am of how he lived? This would not be affecting so many people if Caleb had not lived a life of love and giving. His death was a tragedy, but his life was a legacy. I am daily surprised the people who reach out to me to tell me how Caleb friended them or helped them through a rough period or just made them laugh. 

I am so proud of my boy. So proud! I will always see him sitting next to me in the car, reminded of our many trips together where he just wanted to talk to me, and I will smile more and try to cry less. I know that's what he would want.

Nothing is Wasted

So, I have discovered the joy of podcasts during my daily commutes. This is one I wanted to share, because it is literally life changing.

I have thought of Davey Blackburn often over the last 5 months. If you don't know who he is, google him. A young pastor with a growing church, and on an average day, his life changed forever when his wife is murdered in their home. During times when I couldn't understand why or how God could let us lose Caleb, I would often think of this man and how much more reason he had to question God. His loss was so much more random than ours; those men could have picked any house or any street. It was shocking.

Anyways, he started a podcast, and I can't list the amount of nuggets of wisdom I have gained from listening. God has spoken to me so much through this. If you are grieving from a loss that seems unbearable or if you just want guidance on how to have faith and strength during really rough times in life, take some time to listen to this podcast.

Nothing is Wasted - Podcast