(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.) (Sorry, a few hours late!)
Today, I want to talk about perception. The perception we have of ourselves and the perception we have of others.
We were given a glimpse of Caleb's true thoughts when we found two "stream of consciousness" writings / journal entries. In both, it was very evident that Caleb was filled with so much anger - anger at himself and anger at others.
Caleb had such a poor perception of himself. In several conversations over the last month or so of Caleb's life, he used the phrases, "something is wrong with me", "I'm not normal", and "I'm messed up". His therapist said they spoke often of how Caleb viewed himself versus how everyone else saw him. I can't tell you how many times adults came up to me to tell me how impressed they were with something Caleb did or how he presented himself. He was so likeable and friendly. But for some reason, he couldn't see that side of himself. He also had a hard time forgiving himself. One of the last things Caleb did was send an apology to someone for a hurt he had caused them almost a year before. I had no idea that this was still weighing on him heavily, but he obviously had not been able to forgive himself and had to try to make it right before leaving this Earth.
Caleb thought he had a lot of people who "hated" him. It was all about stupid teenage stuff, but he took every jab and comment to heart, laughing out loud but pained each time. He also felt like he didn't have any true friends. I don't say this to hurt anyone, but just to show how manipulated his mind was. He would say and do things to see what kind of reaction he would get. His small way of asking for help without asking, but no one took the bait. Caleb wrote about the time he wore a blanket from home around his shoulders at school all day and how nobody asked why. He wrote that everyone thought he was "just weird Caleb". That and other comments he made to friends, I know were his way of "testing" others, to see how much they really cared. So, when he would say something crazy, and that friend didn't react, in Caleb's mind, that friend didn't care.
If this sounds familiar because either you do the same thing or it reminds you of something you see in others, I want to say that our perception isn't always accurate. First, do not judge what others think of you by what you think they think of you. (That's confusing!) That is hard to do; I'm still working on that one. We have no idea why someone else reacts to us the way they do. It could be their own insecurities, they could just not know what to say or do so they don't do anything, or their mind could be somewhere else at that moment. If you have a mature person who really cares for you tell you that you are good, and perfect, and just fine, believe them. Because you are good and perfect and just fine. We are all perfectly messed up and growing / changing every day. Not one of us is finished yet.
Also, be so very observant of ways others are maybe asking for help. I've talked before about the importance of saying the words, but the truth is, most people are still going to be too scared. If something stirs in your heart as not quite right, go to that person and check on them. I like the phrases, "How are you doing? ... No, REALLY, how are you doing?"
An image keeps coming to me that we are all porous. Nothing really bounces off of us. Teasing, conditions (such as "I won't be your friend if..."), and the judgement may look like they bounce off us, but they really seep through. Please be kind. You have no idea how your actions and words will affect that person, especially if it appears it has no effect at all.
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