My 16 year old son, his girlfriend, and I have been (slowly) making our way through the "Lost" tv series. Even slower when Netflix decided to take it off their program list (Shame on you, Netflix!). But we found a way to continue, and we only have 3 episodes left! (No spoilers please!)
It's amazing how God sends you reminders of things you need to hear in the most unusual ways. So, in the last episode of "Lost" that we watched last night, tears filled my eyes. Jack Shephard was speaking to John Locke (the best character ever!) about an accident that occurred to Locke's father. Locke blamed himself, was actually punishing himself, and couldn't move on from his horrible mistake. Jack said the following to him - "Punish yourself as much as you want; that's never gonna bring him back. What happened, happened, and you can let it go."
Those words hit me so hard. This has been my greatest struggle since losing Caleb. My part. My mistakes. How I should have listened better to what he wasn't telling me. How I should have asked the questions I was scared to know the answers to. How I should have fought harder and not expected for Caleb to just "get better" or "do better".
What could I have changed? Maybe nothing. Or maybe everything. That's the crappy thing about life. I won't ever know.
Not long ago, I wrote a mom blogger who I have so much respect for, who has also lost her son to suicide. I shared my story and asked her questions. One question I asked her was, "Do you ever really forgive yourself?" I was so grateful that she answered me truthfully with a "no".
Some would say that I have to forgive myself. That I have to "let go", as Dr. Jack Shephard said, of the uncertainties and "what if" questions. I know I need to stop, as far as punishing myself. But also there is a good thing about holding onto those questions. It allows me to share with others the mistakes I made. Maybe, just maybe, to change another parent's thinking. To make them realize that they need to ask those hard questions and not to be scared of the truth, the reality, of their child's mind. Because if I can hold onto those mistakes and share them bravely - no, it won't bring Caleb back, but it may keep many others from going down the same path as he did.
Parents, friends, family members - Listen closely to what is not being said out loud. Do not take for granted the odd behavior and even the rebellion. Be the person who is brave enough to ask, help, and love.
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