Games.

I absolutely love this. Caleb told me about a game he and his friend Aidan we're playing. They would both go on random college websites and input the others email and home address with a crazy made up name. Quite clever. And it brightens my day to see one come through with all the regular college advertisements that Caleb is still sent.

Prayer Works.

The amount of peace I feel on those tough days is directly correlated to the amount of people who say they are going to pray for me. The more comments about being prayed for means I sense a greater sense of peace. I find that incredibly amazing and cool.

I wanted all who did pray for my family that: prayer works, I appreciate it from the depths of my being, and thank you for standing with me.

Asa - 18th Birthday Part 2.

Good day just relaxing, sharing stories of Caleb's childhood, and being with family and friends. Thank you so much for all the messages, texts, and comments showing us love today. We are blessed. Happy 18th Birthday, my sweet boy.

Sean - 18th Birthday

Caleb, I am so sorry I missed the signs. That I dismissed you too quickly. That I let you wallow in the pain without helping. I struggle to forgive myself.

Even though I freely have given that same forgiveness to others, without an ounce of hesitation. And I meant it deeply, wholeheartedly. I know God has forgiven me and Asa has as well. If we could communicate right now, I know you would not want me to put blame on myself

But me, I am another story. On earth, the buck stopped here. So even though you have already given it, I publicly ask for your forgiveness once again.

Know I am proud of you. Period. Proud to call you my son. Proud to call you my friend. Proud to call you my brother in Christ. Proud of your boldness. Proud of how you stood for others. Proud you stood in your truth. Proud of how you shared your journey with your mother. Proud of the person you brought forth in me. Proud of how you lived your life everyday.

I will tell your story, to any and all who will listen. I will be the best father I know how to be to your 3 brothers and the daughters who look to me for, love, guidance and direction. I will apply the lessons you taught me. And I will not stop reaching out to those that are hurting under the mask. Because you led by example. You led by love.

I hurt deeply today, my heart aches. The unrealized promise of what you were becoming lies before me. A performance whose opening act set the scene, for a life full of sharing love and laughter with all whose paths unbeknownst to them intersected with your stage.

I miss you, bud. I love you.

___________________________________________________

GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.

GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!

GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple

question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master

that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

GUARD #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...

Oh, and find out how King Arthur got the coconuts. Because right after I hug you, I am going to want a definitive answer!

Asa - 18th Birthday Part 1.

Not going to post much tomorrow. Taking the day to relax and spend time with the people I love. But 18 years ago to this exact minute, I was heading to the hospital to become a mom. Caleb took his time and didn't quite cooperate, making his birthday Oct. 12th.

Caleb - You gave us an amazing 17 1/2 years. Even when the last years got tough, you were always my baby and one of my closest friends. I would have given you the most amazing 18th birthday party! You would have rolled your eyes and shook your head, but you would have loved it. Thank you for living a life with love and compassion for everyone you met and leaving an amazing legacy! We'll celebrate one day "soon".

I Got a Tattoo.

So, here it is! I got a tattoo!

I had been secretly wanting a tattoo for a long time but didn't have a good reason to get one. The weekend after Caleb passed, I knew I wanted to do this and have been contemplating exactly what to get ever since. I didn't want to rush into it. It's kind of a commitment! But this was perfect timing. The day before the 8 month anniversary of Caleb's death and a few days before his 18th birthday.

I had Sean's blessing and my Tattoo'ed Friends Support Group with me. I have bombarded Clarica and Debbie with a million questions over the last several months. I am so glad they were there to encourage me and cheer me on. Not only that, these ladies have become two of my closest friends this past year. I am so grateful for their daily encouragement and love, and I'm so honored that they wanted to join me today.

So, the tattoo. '99 for not only the year Caleb came into my life, but it's also the year I became a mom. 1999 is a special year for so many reasons; it let me fulfill my calling. The chick feet because I have always called the boys my "chickadees" as they followed me around the last 18 years.

Funny story - I had planned from the beginning to actually get "1999" on my wrist. When talking to the tattoo artist (Addam Duncan who was amazing!), he drew it out and showed me that since I was placing it on my wrist, when I would reach out my arm to someone, they will just see the "666" and probably not even pay attention to the 1 after. Well, in my line of work, that would not go over well. All my sweet, super religious patients would think I was a devil worshiper and had the "mark of the beast". So '99 it became, and that's fine!

I've got one more tattoo I'd really like to do, but as Sean says, "Let's see how this one goes first." Either way, now I will be a tattoo'ed grandma one day, and I've got a great way to share the story of how much I love my boys with whoever asks what this tattoo is all about.