I haven't posted much about Caleb in awhile. Several people have checked on me this week, so I thought it might be good to share.
It's kind of a numbness that hurts. If that makes sense? I'm numb to the hurt and pain most of the time, but then it just hits suddenly with no warning. And then, life feels like it kinda halts. The numbness seeps into everyday life. Doing what I "have to do", such as getting up, going to work, and Christmas. Christmas is just another thing to have to do. I'll enjoy the festivities and will make memories with the family, but it just doesn't feel the same.
It feels like being smacked with one thing after another these last few months. There was the start of what should have been Caleb's Senior year. Seeing the friends he has had, some since 5th grade, and their parents making graduation announcements and posting pics of college acceptance congratulations. There was his 18th birthday. I couldn't ask him his plans for that day or what he wanted to eat for dinner. There's the weekly letters he gets in the mail from colleges asking for him to consider their school, especially due to his high achieving academic career. Oh, he even got a letter from Uncle Sam last week reminding him to register for the draft. There was our first family vacation without him. Thanksgiving - which was his absolute favorite holiday. And now, Christmas. His stocking is hanging up and his favorite ornaments on the tree. Including his broken one from his 1st Christmas, where we retell the story of how it got broken by the falling Christmas tree that year.
I try to say that 2018 is around the corner. A fresh start with a new year. But unfortunately, soon as the New Year begins, we will face the one year anniversary of Caleb being gone. I can't imagine yet what I will do that day. What can I physically do that day?
I have been honored to have the chance to talk with a few young people since Caleb's passing who are struggling with their own feelings of depression and worth. I'm not sure how much difference I have made. But, if you are one of those people or even someone I haven't talked to yet, please listen to my heart.
Caleb's absence is so loud. The obviousness of his absence does not fade away. It's always here. Lingering as a heaviness. It's a hurt that I constantly feel; towards Caleb, towards God, towards those that failed him, towards myself. I can imagine all the times that I'm sure Caleb thought to himself that he was a bother and how much everyone would be better without him. That is the worst lie he believed. I would take the hardest, the most aggravating day with Caleb over a day without him when knowing tomorrow will be the same. He was so blind to how many people loved him and how special he was. If you think you are worthless, please know that not one other person sees you that way. That is the honest truth. Please know how much you matter. How much you are loved, even if you don't feel that love. These moments will pass and you will find your path again. Please keep pushing forward, or even sideways; just keep going one day at a time. Because each day is so, so hard for who you will leave behind. Please keep going. I promise that it will get better.
