1440.

I opened up a web page last night that made me start bawling. It was Caleb's SAT score. He did not get to learn of his results. He got a 1440. That is first try, no studying and zero sleep the night before. 

The saddest times for me do not lie with memories. It is the hopes and dreams and plans for the future that cause me to just absolutely lose it. Potential wasted. Caleb, I am so proud of you and your score. You will forever be gifted.

Love you, bud.

One Proud Momma.

I want to mention the three people I am most proud of this past week.

Jacob - He started this theatre season changing his mind about trying out for one of the kid parts. He was too nervous to do the singing audition, and he wasn't sure he'd like it. Well, a month into rehearsals, Dr. Roberts comes a callin' - she needs a boy to be one of the goats. He agrees, then ends up getting promoted to "Goat Herder". And... he loved it! He never once complained about the long hours of rehearsal almost every day after school. He loved hanging out with all the teens, and they loved him right back. After the first performance, he came home and said, "I want to be in every play from now on! That was awesome!" I am so glad that he's now got the "theatre bug" and officially gives me 7 more years with the Chapman Theatre. He worked so hard, and I'm so proud of him!

Levi - I cannot imagine how hard these past two months have been for him. He doesn't talk much, but he really seems to be handling it all well. Caleb pulled him into theatre, but that Chapman theatre family held him in, loved him hard, and made him their family these past two months. I am not only proud of what an amazing job he did in the performance, but I am most proud of what an amazing young man he is; how much strength and character he shows daily. And I'm glad he now loves theatre, because HE loves theatre. Levi was able to wear a jacket that Caleb wore in "Ballyhoo" last Fall in one of the scenes this week, which was so special. I hope he felt Caleb with him. I know that Caleb would be so proud of him this week!

Sean - I have been hoping I could rope Sean into somehow being involved with theatre using his "sound / tech" expertise for awhile now. He came to help Dr. Roberts Monday to set up her new mics, but ended up staying the entire week through every rehearsal. He saw the need and reached out to help hours every day. Sean has a specific sleep schedule that works well with his health issues. He pushed that aside this week to push himself to be there for Dr. Roberts and the cast. (Praying he doesn't get sick this week now!) He pushed harder than he probably should have, but he never complained to me, as well as never let anyone know how risky he was putting his health. Oh, and he loved those teens he got to work with! It really helped this week that he got to know many of the names he heard about often from Caleb. I think it helped ease the pain of this week. And Sean doesn't usually like kids that aren't ours, so that says a lot! So, I am so proud of Sean for putting himself out there and giving his service, no matter what the cost.

It Should Have Been You.

My boys did incredible tonight. They overcame their fears and inhibitions and just played the part. Couldn't be prouder. But when I arrived home I sat in the garage crying. I watched someone perform Caleb's part. He really did a great job. But it should have been Caleb. His fellow actors grew and stretched and raised the bar so far. He should have been here. Laughing, smiling. Miss you bud. Until we meet again. I love you always.

Another Witness.

God answers prayer! I asked God to send me someone who saw what happened to Caleb on that bridge. A couple of hours ago I spent 45 minutes sharing questions and answers with a guy whose life was changed by what he witnessed that day. We were both able to bring each other one more step closer to closure. And now I have one more person in Charleston to meet when I go back in February! You can do nothing to earn God's favor. He gives it freely to all his children. Thank you for a bit of peace during a difficult week!

Hamilton Poster

This poster was done by a classmate of Caleb's. It spoke to me and one of his teachers tracked it down for me. It is a play on the poster for Hamilton, the broadway musical.

A Great Idea.

Someone Asa knows sent us an Email a while back. I want to share it with you now. I have removed her name and if she wants to let you know her identity, she is more than welcome to do so. It touched us deeply. I pray it causes you to think a little, heal a little, change a little.... Here goes.....

I thought you guys might find this very enlightening-

UNC graduate’s death raises awareness of suicide

Family Carries on Mission After Daughter's Suicide

She was a graduate of Psychology at UNC. She even volunteered working for a suicide crisis hotline. She was just as ill as all she tried to help.

She set up a Gofundme (https://www.gofundme.com/priyab ) in December prior to her suicide back in January, to help her family pay off her student loans, funeral, and medical expenses, and gave the password to a friend. What she writes on her gofundme is so very very true and profound, I hope it helps give you more insight into how someone suffering thinks and feels. Especially her addressing suicide as selfish, and how she thought about it already for so very long, and explaining why she still was going to take her life .... I think, pray, her words will give you some reprieve. To me, it is even more telling that she was as educated and involved as you could ask anyone to be on mental health issues, and she still could not help herself, despite being able to help others- and despite those who loved her aware of how serious her illness was. I hope it will help ease some of the guilt, what if's, should I's, maybes- I know you are going through.

I want you to know that for as long as I, or someone in my circle of family or friends, live in Charleston, I (or they) will drop flowers off the bridge every year on Caleb's birthday in his remembrance, and say a prayer for your family.

I am currently working on a proposal for more additional preventive measures for suicide from the bridge in Charleston, and elsewhere, and will be sending to Sen. Chip Campsen, Barrett Mappus (Jules' father - http://thepresonfoundation.org/2015/08/05/whatever-it-takes/ ), the DOT, and Rep. Peter McCoy as they are working on finding solutions this year. I will send a copy to you both as well to let you know what options are being proposed.

I am also thinking of options to have a website created where people can set up pages (in private) for friends or family who they are concerned about who are suffering from depression, or they think may be contemplating suicide, or participating/living in very at risk behaviors (drugs/alcohol/staying in domestic violence situations, etc.)- where privately people can post the things they *would* have said, thought, remembered and posted had they heard that person had just died. Then, whoever initially set up the page for the person will give them access to it - and they can go and read all of the love, care, impact, etc. everyone has for them. Before things get too bad, or they are gone from this world.

I've just seen too many people pass away - and then in 3 days an overwhelming, outpouring of messages of love, memories, etc. pile in for them, (probably from a majority of people they didn't even realize cared or still had such love for them).... and ALL I can think of is - If that person would have been able to read all of this, hear all of these things, know how many people loved them, how many lives they touched without realizing it, how many people would have been there for them, would have dropped everything to come be by their side, take them away, help however.... would it have made a difference? Could it have saved them? Would they have been able to hear just the one or two things that could be what it takes to tip the scales, turn things around, give that person the extra whisper of hope to crawl out of their darkness.

And the only way we will ever know is to try. I do know there was a study done on 525 people who had been saved by emergency/lucky intervention and was prevented from committing suicide (when they were in an active attempt). Those people were kept track of over a 10, and 20 year period. After 20 years - only 6(!!!) of those 525 people had died by a subsequent suicide.

It sounds a bit crazy trying to type out the concept in just a paragraph or two - but my idea is somewhat similar to the article the lady wrote about finding out about her friend's death on Facebook. If someone's family, friends, colleagues, etc. can generate so many memorative (I may have taken liberty to make that word up) messages AFTER the fact - we need to find a way to do that BEFORE we lose them and see if it will make a difference ... if my crazy idea makes any sense?

Much love and prayers for now-

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