Caleb's Things.

We have finally received a call from the police detective that we will get the rest of Caleb's belongings tomorrow or Saturday. We will be getting his suicide letter.( We have read a copy just not had the original.) His wallet and most importantly to us...His phone.

I didn't think it would be a big deal to me. But from the moment we received the call I have been quite upset. We will get to read and listen to the messages left for Caleb on his phone that horrible day. The messages left Thursday evening when we thought he had run away. And those that have been left on Friday when we found out he was not coming home with us.

How fitting on the last official day of school. No more words tonight. Just tears.

Grief is love's souvenir.

Amazing quote today as I listened in the car:

"Grief is love's souvenir. It's our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price."

Tribute.

Her uncle did not ask or was told that Caleb loved flannel. When we told him that his friends wore flannel as a tribute to him we knew God was involved!

Enough is Enough.

I heard some of Caleb's stories about being frozen out for absolutely petty reasons. I have to say I thought he was being a bit dramatic. But when I found the writings he had left behind detailing the people and the situations and how it had deeply cut him emotionally. I changed my tune.

How many more kids have to feel destroyed inside before a group of teens will stand up and say,"No more". If Caleb stood before you one more time. Would you still treat him that way? Speak those words? Shun him or her, like it was a game? Hurt him because you knew he cared about others deeply, so you could?

Because Caleb is standing before you again. His name is different, his face and gender might be different. But he stands before you now. How will you chose to treat him?

I have not spoken of this until now. I thought those involved had learned a horrible lesson. But it seems as though nothing was learned. And it breaks my heart.

Emotional Bullying

This is something I've wanted to share for awhile. The idea of "emotional bullying". Caleb was a victim of this. Over the last few years, Caleb had become concerned with how many people "hated" him. If you knew Caleb, you would realize this was preposterous. He was so kind and friendly. But he really did have many people who treated him horribly. He had people who had been his friends years ago, but then when Caleb moved into new areas of his life, they felt left behind and told him that he thought he was "better than us". He had ex-girlfriends who said nasty things about him and to his face. He had friends of ex-girlfriends spread horrible rumors that were very untrue. He had friends who used manipulation and pity to try to get what they wanted from him and when they didn't get the result they wanted, would turn his friendship away unless he "played the game". I know all these things, because Caleb would tell me. He also mentioned these things to his guidance counselor, who he had become close to. Both of us agree that Caleb would share these events with a laugh, as if he was letting them roll off him. I would usually reply with something about how "teenagers are stupid".

Hindsight - each person, each event, each comment, chipped a little off of Caleb's view of himself. He didn't mention these situations to me or his guidance counselor as casual stories, but to say, "Look, look at these bullets coming at me. I don't know how to protect myself." None of us really knew how much he hated himself. We didn't know what he battled daily in his head. From his writings, we now know that he thought he was "messed up" and "unlovable". He was worried about being alone forever and never finding real connections with people who would love the real him.

Please take a moment to analyze the words you use and the expectations you put on others. All of us are human. We have no real idea of how our words effect another. We all hide our fears, hurts, and wounds from the world; some more than others. We all just want someone to love us and have our back, no matter what crazy thing we do or stupid mistake we make. Just love. Just love one another. Don't worry about the small things. They are insignificant. They are temporary. Just love.

15 Signs You May be an Emotional Bully.

Blue Bird.

I haven't written about Caleb much. What do I say? Asa and I have saved every card, note, letter, gift we have received. We treasure them all. Our friends, family and friends we did not know until Caleb died, have surrounded our family with love and prayers. We have several adopted daughters now and a few son's. It has been 3 months now. The days are getting easier, kind of.

Asa has her moments in the car during the day. I have mine at night reflecting on the day that was and what it was missing. The family dynamic has changed as the boys all have adjusted their roles to fill in the hole that was left behind. The boys resiliency, and how they are each handling the loss, just blows me away. I thank God for that.

I met this wonderful soul in Minnesota. She fit right into our family. She was Caleb's confidante. They spoke for almost 5 hours 2 days before he died. She had no clue what Caleb was thinking of doing. But I know she brought him a level of comfort he so sorely needed. Asa and I are greatful for her.

We have met and been told of people who did not know Caleb, but knew of him. And his life and death have inspired them, not only to appreciate those in their lives, but have told his story to their friends and family.

We have both learned and studied this issue of depression and suicide, more than I care to think about. And will continue to do so.

We are so thankful to the ones who asked us how we are doing and after saying alright or OK or fine, they replied with, No really, I want to really know. And listen and cry with us.

We extend grace to those who asked how are you doing, praying we said ok and would change the subject. We know they care but are unsure of how to approach the subject, or say something wrong that could hurt us. There is nothing wrong you can say about our precious boy and his choosing death that could be wrong. No question asked in love or to help you or another understand is off limits.

We are thankful for those that just brought up a Caleb story in regular conversation. Because he is not gone from our lives. And we love it when we get to talk about Caleb. Talking about that day, his thought process and what physically took place on that bridge helps me to hear myself, to understand and to heal. His last view of this world was beautiful. And if you PM me I will send you the picture I took of that view.

I hear of other suicides and my heart breaks for that family and their friends. We know all to well, the life altering pain that eminates from your spirit in that moment you are told. And I will share my story anywhere with anyone to keep just one parent from feeling this loss.

I thank God for his, love, grace, peace and for all he sent to love on us and who continue to do so.

I guess there was a few things I could say. His friend from Minnesota, performed a tribute to Caleb tonight. It brought me to tears. In the best way. It is about 3 songs in. She is the beautiful woman wearing the blue dress. The song is Bluebird originally sang by Sara Bareilles. I will link to it and another video from her in the comments.