Project Semicolon ; "Your Story Isn't Over".

A few days ago Amy Bleuel , a leader in the suicide prevention and advocacy movement, Took her own life. Amy came up with the semicolon idea. That just like a semicolon, you can continue even when “your sentence” seems finished. The organization’s tagline is: “Your story isn’t over.”

Another Suicide Advocate wrote: "Suicide prevention work is done almost exclusively by people who have lost someone to suicide or who have experienced their own suicidality. Often, the calling to suicide prevention comes close on the heels of a near miss with an attempt, or the suicide death of someone we love, and it comes with urgency. In that way, it puts many of us in a precarious position: we so desperately want to save others from suicide that we forget to save ourselves. We dive in with our life raft before we learn to swim."

It is not about head knowledge of suicide. From the World Health Organization: At a more personal level, it is important to know that only a small number of suicides happen without warning. Most people who die by suicide give definite warnings of their intentions. Therefore, all threats of self-harm should be taken seriously. In addition, a majority of people who attempt suicide are ambivalent and not entirely intent on dying. Many suicides occur in a period of improvement when the person has the energy and the will to turn despairing thoughts into destructive action. However, a once-suicidal person is not necessarily always at risk: suicidal thoughts may return but they are not permanent and in some people they may never return. Source: World Health Organization (WHO)

Click Here to Learn More.

God Said, "Now."

WARNING: I speak of Caleb's passing in a very frank manner. It is pure, raw emotion and thinking. It contains viewpoints that are not popular and are considered by many to be controversial. If you are having trouble thinking about that day, or what happened to Caleb or what he did. STOP READING NOW.

This post is meant more for the spiritually mature among you. Obviously, anyone is welcome to read this, but the significance will be lost on all but a few and I understand that.

And he gave some, (to be) apostles; and some, (to be) prophets; and some, (to be) evangelists; and some, (to be) pastors and (to be) teachers; Ephesians 4:11

I have added the quotes for clarity.

I have known for decades of what my gifting is. At that same time, I also have felt that God was telling me to wait. I have not been released. So, I have waited, impatiently at times, as I continue to grow in the wisdom and experience that only comes from age and living your life.

And I have watched as others, much younger than I, being released in their gifting and watching God bless their efforts greatly. I waited. There is a business saying I heard that spoke to my spirit, and I mean deeply, "I will prepare and my time will come."

God has brought many different, wonderful men and women in my life to teach, show, encourage, correct and even reprimand. I waited. I have an almost unending list of miracles in my life. I waited. Through all of these circumstances and obstacles overcome, I have wondered, is now the time? I waited. I kind of stopped thinking actively about my gift. Not ignored it. But, when God's timing is perfect, I would know. So... I waited.

And then the unimaginable happened. My beautiful, first born son. Who gracefully endured his parents learning curve, as we learned how to be a parent. How to give freedom to become what God had placed in his spirit. But still providing the proper boundaries to keep him safe and heading in the right direction.

So you can see how Asa and I naturally struggle with the, "What if I?", Questions. Did I do, say, be or not be something that caused Caleb despair? Or did I ignore, willingly or not, a cry or sign of what was happening deep within? the underlining thought being, Did I contribute to the death of my child? And the ultimate question: Was his death my fault? Leading me to question many parts of my life and my relationships.

In the end though, Caleb himself made the choice and the decision to murder someone. He murdered himself. I get that it sounds harsh. But that is what suicide is. The Bible is clear: Thou shall not murder. And I think that is why some families feel ashamed and other friends and family are not sure how to approach those loved ones that are left with the consequences. Because of the sin involved. This does not mean Caleb was not mentally ill, or in great pain, or maybe even confused by the whispering of lies by Satan in his ear. But it was still sin. Do not confuse me saying that with thinking Caleb was a bad person, Or that God does not or did not love Caleb in that moment or forgive the sin and welcome Caleb into heaven.

What does the circumstances of Caleb's passing have to do with me waiting? Because in the midst of the greatest sorrow a parent can face. The confusion and mental turmoil. The brokenness and the hurt. The anger at myself and my son. The pure anguish in my spirit and what felt like the literal tearing apart of my soul in the moment I realized that yes, Caleb is missing. But we know he is not alive on this earth any longer.

And that horrible day, God said, "Now" and he imparted a part of Himself that was not known to me the day before. The last thing I care about right now is my gifting. And how I will function in the body of Christ. Furthermore, I do not want to give of myself at all to anyone for any reason. I wanted to crawl up in a fetal position in a cave somewhere and just hide and be alone with myself and with God. And today? Right now? At my weakest, at my lowest? God said, "Now".

I will tell you this, I could not have given of myself, or shared God's love and mercy and grace with those that are mourning. With what seemed like a mountain in front of me: How can I comfort my wife, my kids, my family and those who knew and loved Caleb, God said, "Now", and he imparted in me the gifting I needed

And I give God all the glory, all the credit. It is only by His grace and love and power I was able to be a reflection of anything that was Godly or love for others in the following weeks.

What does this mean going forward? I have several spiritual mentors that are seeking God with me for direction. And what is next is almost irrelevant to me. Because God has prepared me, and the time is, "Now."

I love you Caleb, thank you for being you. You changed my world, in the most positive ways imaginable. God willing, I would love to meet all of my grand kids and to bless them before I come home with you. So I will patiently await that day. But the moment I arrive, I am giving you the biggest hug from your mom, your brothers and all those who loved you!

Thinking of you.

I will always think of Caleb every time I'm about to pump gas. Maybe I'm pre-dementia, but I can never remember what side of the car my gas tank is on. Through his random online education, Caleb discovered that this little arrow next to the gas picture tells you which side it's on. Over 20 years of driving, and I never noticed the stinkin' arrow!! So, thank you Caleb!  ♥

Caleb's Dream Speech.

Caleb created this paper for an assignment at school.

Click Here to listen as Caleb recites his speech.

Keeping His Memory Alive.

The love Caleb's CHS Theatre family continues to show him amazes me daily. I knew about the orange sunset for him on the front but had no idea there would be a "dedication" to him on the back. We are so humbled by this. Thank you Dr. Carrie Roberts, the theatre kids, and Chapman High for all you do to keep Caleb's memory alive. We love you all!

Great News.

Buckle up! This will be a journey. But it will be worth it in the end. I have been seeing a psychologist. He is a follower of Christ and his gifting lies more in the prophetic arena. As does mine, so we not only get along well but have a level of communication that only can be shared by those of a similar gifting. We both feel that our meeting was arranged by God and there is a really cool story behind that.

This man knows what he is talking about being a chaplain on staff at a local hospital and being present for 100's of deaths...and a few, "I got to the other side and was sent back for now.", cases. But what I am going to relate to you is a conversation we had. I am paraphrasing and changing some things for clarity. It brought an incredible peace to my troubled mind.

My prayer is that it does the same for you.

We were talking about this process called grief. And about how it is so unusual in that each person seems to have a different experience with it. Not better or worse. just different. At the end of grieving you have an acceptance about where your loved one is and your relationship with them going forward.

I am not wanting to get into a theology debate here (so not the point of this). But let us get away from the childhood story book view of heaven. Which for most of us is probably a cartoon version of heaven we watched early in life. (Pointing finger at me! Lol.)

When you start reading accounts and talking to folks that have crossed over and come back there are several things that they all seem to have in common. 1. Time stops or is no longer relevant or there is no sense of time. 2. There is a tremendous peace that permeates every part of their being. 3. Love - a sense of love that again permeates every part of their being unlike anything experienced before.

Now God has put a spiritual veil between heaven and earth. And with very few exceptions, remains in place until this day. However this will not always be the case. As one day that veil will be removed. Hallelujah! Well that is all great and fine and dandy, but knowing that does not automatically make me feel any better about my loved one being dead.

So here is the exciting part! Caleb is not dead! He is very much alive! Even though I can not talk to him right now. He is not gone by any means. Let's say Caleb decided to move to New Zealand and live in the jungle for the rest of his life. You can't go look for him. and he has cut off all contact with the outside world. He is still alive but your mind has to put him in a place where you can accept that.

The even more exciting part to me is that love is one thing that both this earth and our heavenly home share in common. My love, your love for Caleb and Caleb's love for us, will create a conduit through this veil.

Caleb is not dead. He is alive and well and although we will still grieve. This brings more of a comfort to my being than any other conversation or explanation I have heard or read up until now. I can see his smiling face, and silly grin, and it is OK. Because Caleb is OK now. His mind is at rest. And I think people struggle with the question, Is my loved one OK? And I say YES, YES, a resounding YES.

It is OK to talk to Caleb, talk about Caleb. Because he has only gone ahead in the journey and he is waiting for us to catch up. For some it might be tomorrow, for some it might be decades. Either way, he is right around the corner. Just send him some love and see if you do not experience love in return! Thank you, Jesus!

I LOVE YOU CALEB!!!!!

One Month Update.

I know that I have so many people out there praying for me and checking on me, I thought I'd give you an update. Last week was very hard. I just couldn't quiet by head between patients and cried a lot while driving. I guess because it was the one month mark. I think also the initial numbness was wearing off, and it was all just becoming so permanent.

But this week is much better. I haven't cried much and my mind is quieter. I've been able to talk to a few people about Caleb without crying. Our new "normal" is becoming a little bit more normal. I still think of Caleb constantly, but the grief is less intense. I really suffered with a lot of guilt and "what if I had just" thoughts. That is still there, but not as debilitating as it was the first few weeks. The actions, or lack of actions, the night before will probably be painful forever. To some extent, it still does not feel real. But I know that it will all continue to get easier with time.

Thank you all again - for all the love, sweet words, gifts, cards, thoughts, and prayers. We love you all! We are so glad that you were a part of Caleb's life and will continue to be a part of ours as God continues to lead us down this unforeseen path.

I am Here Because You Are Not.

I spent 3 hours helping build theatre sets yesterday. The students and parents were great. But it was not forgotten by me the only reason I was there because Caleb was not. Earlier in the day Asa helped out at a fundraising car wash. Without Caleb's smiling face and comic relief.

It is OK to tell us stories and things you remember about Caleb. He is on our mind and in our hearts so you need not worry that you are bringing up a painful subject. He brought the world joy and that is how we are learning to remember him has. I am choosing not to focus on the last day of his life. But to focus on the wonderful memories he left us with and the loving spirit he carried with him and gave freely of.

I give each one of you permission to give Asa extra love and tender support right now. She is a mother who lost her oldest child in a tragic way. Hug her, cry with her. I know people mean well when they say how strong she is. But that sentiment denies her sharing the very real struggle of loss and pain she feels. Where she is trying to figure out how to get through the next patient visit giving of compassion and empathy. When she is the one needing of those things. Encouragement is great and it is needed. But the real Asa is not strong right now. Compassion, sympathy and empathy are much more important right now. 

I hope what I am saying makes sense.... Because no matter what...

We love and appreciate you all!

You Have Permission...

I spent 3 hours helping build sets yesterday. The students and parents were great. But it was not forgotten by me the only reason I was there because Caleb was not. Earlier in the day Asa helped out at a fundraising car wash. Without Caleb's smiling face and comic relief.

It is OK to tell us stories and things you remember about Caleb. He is on our mind and in our hearts so you need not worry that you are bringing up a painful subject. He brought the world joy and that is how we are learning to remember him has. I am choosing not to focus on the last day of his life. But to focus on the wonderful memories he left us with and the loving spirit he carried with him and gave freely of.

I give each one of you permission to give Asa extra love and tender support right now. She is a mother who lost her oldest child in a tragic way. Hug her, cry with her. I know people mean well when they say how strong she is. But that sentiment denies her sharing the very real struggle of loss and pain she feels.

                                                                                                                    

Where she is trying to figure out how to get through the next patient visit giving of compassion and empathy. When she is the one needing of those things. Encouragement is great and it is needed. But the real Asa is not strong right now. Compassion, sympathy and empathy are much more important right now. I hope what I am saying makes sense.... Because no matter what...

We love and appreciate you all!

You Can't do Life Alone.

Today I sat with an amazing young man. Without the advantage that comes with age, he is bravely navigating the difficult road that lies before him. He has had the wisdom to REACH OUT to others for help. He is asking the tough questions, and expects real answers. I am so glad Caleb considered him a friend. And that he sat with me and spoke honestly and openly about his journey. I pray we get a chance to walk along this path called life together for a while.

Any other person that wants to REACH OUT, talk, ask questions. I am here to listen and encourage. BE THE ONE starts with realizing you can't do life alone! I want to help, it helps me.

Be The One.

Thank you to Deana Dennis Rollins who gave a wonderful talk about mental illness and spotting the signs of depression. She offered the youth of Holston Creek Baptist a challenge. To BE THE ONE. And they are having bracelets made with BE THE ONE on one side with CZ on the other. What an amazing gesture!

Click Here to Learn More About Be The One.

What's on my mind?

What's on my mind? Caleb, I love you, I miss you, the pain you left behind overwhelms me.                                                                                                                                                                        

Private Memorial

Today, we will have the private memorial for Caleb. The majority of the room won't be casual acquaintances or students I don't really know. It will be filled with our family and those we have a close bond to. Those people who have touched our lives in a profound way. It will be filled with others who have suffered greatly along with us these past three weeks. I guess it's the service that we are supposed to officially say goodbye to Caleb. 

I kinda did that my last day in Charleston, but I don't think I will ever truly say goodbye, and I don't think we are supposed to. Caleb will be a part of every one of my days for the rest of my life. I'm sure some days will make me mad because "he was supposed to be here for this", but hopefully, most will bring a smile and a great memory. Though you are breaking my heart, I love Caleb.