Wise Words from Dr. Jack Shephard

My 16 year old son, his girlfriend, and I have been (slowly) making our way through the "Lost" tv series.  Even slower when Netflix decided to take it off their program list (Shame on you, Netflix!).  But we found a way to continue, and we only have 3 episodes left!  (No spoilers please!)

It's amazing how God sends you reminders of things you need to hear in the most unusual ways.  So, in the last episode of "Lost" that we watched last night, tears filled my eyes.  Jack Shephard was speaking to John Locke (the best character ever!) about an accident that occurred to Locke's father.  Locke blamed himself, was actually punishing himself,  and couldn't move on from his horrible mistake.  Jack said the following to him - "Punish yourself as much as you want; that's never gonna bring him back.  What happened, happened, and you can let it go."

Those words hit me so hard.  This has been my greatest struggle since losing Caleb.  My part.  My mistakes.  How I should have listened better to what he wasn't telling me.  How I should have asked the questions I was scared to know the answers to.  How I should have fought harder and not expected for Caleb to just "get better" or "do better". 

What could I have changed?  Maybe nothing.  Or maybe everything.  That's the crappy thing about life.  I won't ever know. 

Not long ago, I wrote a mom blogger who I have so much respect for, who has also lost her son to suicide.  I shared my story and asked her questions.  One question I asked her was, "Do you ever really forgive yourself?"  I was so grateful that she answered me truthfully with a "no".

Some would say that I have to forgive myself.  That I have to "let go", as Dr. Jack Shephard said, of the uncertainties and "what if" questions.  I know I need to stop, as far as punishing myself.  But also there is a good thing about holding onto those questions.  It allows me to share with others the mistakes I made.  Maybe, just maybe, to change another parent's thinking.  To make them realize that they need to ask those hard questions and not to be scared of the truth, the reality, of their child's mind.  Because if I can hold onto those mistakes and share them bravely - no, it won't bring Caleb back, but it may keep many others from going down the same path as he did. 

Parents, friends, family members - Listen closely to what is not being said out loud.  Do not take for granted the odd behavior and even the rebellion.  Be the person who is brave enough to ask, help, and love. 

Visiting "that" Place

Two blog posts in one day!  I'm making up for lost time!

This blog post is to share, but I mostly would like it to also be a discussion.  So, please comment, below after reading, to share you insight.

Our son, Caleb, took his life by jumping off the Arthur Ravenel Bridge in Charleston, SC, last year.   That was a Thursday.  My husband and I arrived in Charleston late Thursday night and didn't get the official information about our son's death until the next morning on Friday.  At the time, I felt like we needed to stay the weekend in the Charleston area.  I think we said it was in case his body was found quickly.  Maybe it was a hopeful act that the police were wrong.  But I just couldn't leave the town where Caleb's body was lost. 

The next day, Saturday, my husband and several of our family members wanted to visit the bridge.  See exactly where Caleb jumped, ask questions, maybe try to understand better.  The lead detective took them.   I chose not to go.  I did not want to visit "that" place. It was so fresh, and I didn't think I could emotionally handle it.  I didn't want to look out and see the last view Caleb's eyes saw.   I didn't want my feet to touch those same steps on the bridge.

It was also because I hated Charleston that weekend.  I found it very ironic that Caleb would choose Charleston to take his life.  It was popularly known in our house that this was "Mom's favorite place".  I was always threatening the boys that I wanted to wake them up early one Saturday morning and go down there, just for the day, to walk around that beautiful city.   So, I couldn't understand why Caleb would chose "that" place;  my favorite place.  That he looked at my favorite view as his last view.  Maybe there is something poetic about this, but I just felt anger and hatred towards the city.   I knew I would say goodbye to Charleston that weekend and planned to never go back.  It was tainted now. 

We would later find out that Caleb's decision was more about logistics.  He wanted to take his life in a way that caused that least "physical" damage to us and in a way that had the highest outcome of success.  He read the articles about others taking their life on that bridge, and it seemed a logical choice.  It wasn't about me.  It wasn't about Charleston.  He probably wasn't thinking of either that day. 

So, I still have had no desire to visit Charleston since.  Not the town, nor the bridge.  And it makes me sad, because it is an amazing city.  I do miss it and hate that my heart isn't sure it can go back there. 

But our therapist thinks that maybe I should reconsider.  He says that this happens to many people who have had a tragedy in a particular location.  You cut off that part of the world, saying "I won't ever drive down that road again" or "I can't ever be at that house (or city, or building)."  So, you end up cutting off that part of the world, making your world smaller, because you have labeled this place evil or bad.   That if you can forgive that place and realize your pain is not about a location, your world doesn't have to be smaller. 

So, this is what I'd like to discuss.  Not if that idea is right or wrong (I believe he's right), but would like to hear others' experiences in this area.  How did you go back?  Why was it important?  Did it make a difference?  How did it change you?

I appreciate sharing your heart!

365 Days

A year ago this minute, Caleb knew this was his last moments in our house. A year ago this evening, we were saying good night to him. His brother would share a room with him for the last time. A year ago tomorrow morning, I would send my last text to Caleb, reminding him to come to the McDonald's fundraiser after play rehearsal. He would reply "Cool", while at the same time, he was backing his stuff up to drive to Charleston. A year ago tomorrow at approximately 4:00, I would receive a call from a detective that would make my heart stop and never really start beating again normally. A year ago 36 hours from now, Sean and I would sit across from that same detective and hear him say there were witnesses; there's no doubt.

It's amazing how much does not change in 365 days. How the hurt feels the same. How the guilt is still heavy. How many questions are still unanswered. How utterly unnecessary it all feels - "if he had only", "if I had only", "if someone had only". 

One year is not a mark I want to cross. It will be the end of being able to think or say things like "A year ago today..."; thinking of what we were doing a "year ago" when Caleb was still here. How simple it was. How we had no idea our lives were about to change forever. How we had no idea how diseased Caleb's mind really was. It will be the end of being able to think, "If I could just go back to this day last year... I know that I could turn everything around." Maybe I'm fooling myself, but somehow my pretend time machine gives me pretend hope. 

Tomorrow there will be no more "a year ago" moments in regards to memories with Caleb. That breaks my heart. The year has been too long. The year has been too short. Caleb was just here, sitting in the living room chair across from me, focusing on his phone more than "being present" with the family. He was just talking excitedly in the kitchen about the next phase with the theatre, contemplating his next part, and giving me all the theatre gossip. He was just there in his bed in the morning, refusing to get up the 2nd or 3rd time I woke him, with me feeling exasperated on how I should make him get up. He was just in my car, sitting next to me, talking nonstop while we traveled to our latest college tour or theatre show.

So, we survived one year. But that's all it feels like I've been doing - surviving. I know that I need to live again. And I will. It's time to make peace and smile more than hurt. This world is just not the same without you, Caleb. My life is just not the same without you, Caleb. 

But. But. It is so much better for it. I am so much of a better person because you lived in my home for 17 years. I will be so much of a better person because you've lived in my heart this past year and will continue to live there until my last day on Earth. Right before I get to hug you again. 

Thank you for making me a mom - your Mom. And thank you for every minute, every day, every year with and without you.

13 Reasons Why Not - Part 1

A friend sent this to me. This is part 1 of 2. It does a fantastic job of explaining and summarizing what I already believe. I have copied the transcript in its entirety, with no editing. The copyright belongs to TimeofGrace.org. I will include all of their contact information at the bottom of this post. - SZ

Pastor Michael Novotny - 

Before the National Association of School Psychologists warned America that it was a dangerous show, I watched all 13 episodes of the controversial Netflix series “13 Reasons Why.” Have you seen it? If not, it’s the story of a teenage girl named Hannah Baker who takes her own life; she commits suicide. But before she does, she records audio tapes to let her classmates and her city know all the reasons why she did it. 

We don’t often talk about suicide. It’s uncomfortable, it’s emotional; it’s not like during the meet and greet before the start of church you turn to the person next to you and say, “Hey, I’m suicidal. How’s your day?” We don’t talk about things like that in church and maybe that’s part of the problem because if we don’t talk about it, we can’t help each other. If we don’t talk about it in God’s house, then all we’re left with are rumors and lies and suspicions with questions like: If you commit suicide, do you lose out on eternity? Do you punch a one-way ticket to hell? You didn’t have time to repent and you have to be repentant to be in heaven, right? 

If you’d open your Bible and read from cover to cover today, you would learn that there are five suicides that happened in the Bible; four in the Old Testament and one in the New. So what do we learn from those five stories? We learn, first, that suicide happens for lots of reasons. In King Saul’s case, it might be a fear that life is only going to get worse. In fact, it might get terrible and we want to end it before it gets there. Suicides then are like suicides now and they happen for so many reasons but other people would read those stories and they would add something. They would say, “Well, what we can learn from those five stories is that if you commit suicide you cannot be saved.” From what we can tell, these five stories are of unbelieving people; they didn’t have hope, they didn’t have faith in God, they didn’t trust his plan, and so they gave up; they had nothing to live for. You see, people would say, if you commit suicide it’s because you don’t have God; you have a lack of faith.

Do you think that’s true? Is that a good interpretation of what we find in the Bible? Well, to answer that question, you need to know the difference between a description and a prescription. Have you ever learned that principle about interpreting God’s word? A description is just something that is described in the Bible; it’s not God saying it’s always this way or always that, this is right and this is wrong. It’s just a simple description of what happened. “Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River,” is a description; it’s not God telling you you have to be baptized in the Jordan River. But “be baptized; keep this command,” that’s a prescription, where God is prescribing and telling us exactly what to do, what’s right, and what’s wrong. And when we look at these five stories, we find out that these are not prescriptions; there’s no passage that says this goes to prove that every suicide is a lack of faith. It’s just the description of what happened to these five men. 

Now what we need to answer the question about suicides and eternity is a passage that would say, “This is a sin of unbelief; a sin that someone can commit only if they lack faith.” Can you think of a passage that says that in God’s word? Pastor Kurt Ebert cares about the answer to that question. He was in the office downstairs working when he heard the gunshot and he scrambled to the foot of the stairs and there was his son, Nathan, clutching his chest from a self-inflicted wound. “I’m sorry, dad,” he cried out. “I love God. I’m sorry.” And he died. 

Is he in heaven or is he in hell? The apostle John can answer that question. It says in 1 John 1: “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us,” – catch this word – “from all unrighteousness.” Isn’t that an amazing word? “All” unrighteousness. There’s no asterisk, “except for suicide.” Suicide is unrighteousness; it is sin and it is a sin that Jesus purified when he gave his life on the cross. He died for doubt, he died for despair, he died for murderers, and yes, he died for suicides. And that’s why pastor got up at Nathan’s funeral and preached that. Seven hundred family members and friends confused, wondering where Nathan was, gathered and the pastor’s theme that day was this: He did what? 

Part one: He did what? Nathan shot himself? The pastor’s son? A Christian killed himself? He did what? “Yeah, he did that,” the pastor said. Part two: He did what? Jesus did what? He died for those who cause their own death? He forgives the sin of suicide? He purifies us from all unrighteousness, even that unrighteousness? Pastor said, “Amen.” And that young man is with Jesus because suicide is not a one-way ticket to hell. But, but, but, but, but – some would object – “But pastor, doesn’t the passage say ‘if’” I’ll read it again: “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and will forgive us.” And not every suicide is like Nathan’s; not every person has a chance to say “I’m sorry. I love God. I shouldn’t have done this.” What happens if you pull the trigger? If you jump and there’s not time to say sorry to God? That’s a good question. It’s the most common response I hear when we talk about suicide in the church. “Well, Pastor, you have to be repentant and some people don’t have time to repent. So what about that?” 

Well, let’s test that logic for just a second. Let’s imagine when you leave church here today, you’re in a car with a family member or a friend and you get into an argument. And you’re being kind of stubborn and you’re being defensive and just when you’re digging in your heels and about to fire back, smash! The car barrels through the intersection and you die. 

Are you in heaven or hell? You didn’t have time to repent. Now obviously, no, to be repentant doesn’t mean you verbalize every sin. To be repentant means if there’s a struggle in your heart, whether you have time to say it or not. And is it possible that at the moment someone makes that fatal choice that they can’t take back, that there’s a struggle in their heart? And the answer is absolutely. 

You see, we have to understand the difference between faith and faith. Do you know the difference between Faith with a capital “F” and faith with a small “f?” Faith with a capital “F” is faith in Jesus; that I believe that I am right with God, I’m reconciled with him. By pure grace and mercy, it’s all about Jesus. But small “f” faith is trust in the promises of God. I’m not going to worry because God’s got this and he’s going to take care of this. Now, I would bet for those of us who are Christians, we have capital “F” Faith but have we ever lacked small “f” faith? Ever worry about your finances? Your health? How something’s going to work out? You know the difference then. And it’s very possible – in fact, it happens all the time – that a Christian who has capital “F” Faith in the moment loses hope. In the struggle with sin, they lose sight of small “f” faith and they make the choice. And so, I want to tell you today that despite all the rumors and all the mystery and all the taboo, that suicide is a damaging sin, it is unrighteousness, it is destructive but it is not unforgiveable. It does not separate us eternally from the grace of God. He purifies us from all unrighteousness.

Martin Luther agreed with that. Did you know in the early centuries of the Christian church, God-fearing people were taking their own lives all the time by choice? It became a fad, actually, that you would be baptized and then commit suicide so you can see Jesus faster. There was a great church father named Augustus who said, “No.” He wanted to stop it; he knew it was wrong. And he said, “No, if you commit suicide, you’re done.” That wasn’t in the Bible but he was trying to stop the flood of self-inflicted harm and so the rumor persisted and persisted and persisted and thank God, Martin Luther saw that that wasn’t true. In fact, one of his students was taking notes when he was kind of rifting it at a meal and Martin Luther said this. He said, “I don’t share the opinion that suicides are certainly to be damned. However, this ought not to be taught to the common people lest Satan be given an opportunity to kill.” It’s an interesting quote, isn’t it? So Luther would say “Amen!” to what I just preached to you, but he would also say, “But Mike, you shouldn’t preach that.” And you see his reasoning. I mean, if you came into church today and you’re deeply depressed and you have no hope and you could be in heaven by tonight, why wouldn’t you? Maybe the certainty of heaven instead of the damnability of hell is just one more reason why you would do it.

Click Here for Part 2 of the transcript:

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13 Reasons Why Not - Part 2

This is part 2 of 2. It does a fantastic job of explaining and summarizing what I already believe. I have copied the transcript in its entirety, with no editing. The copyright belongs to TimeofGrace.org. I will include all of their contact information at the bottom of this post. - SZ

And so, I want to give you something better today. I want to give you a reason why not. No, scratch that. Today, I want to give you 13 reasons why not. So grab your Bibles, hold onto your pews, because we start with reason one: That God has a plan for you. Often in the pit of depression and despair, we assume that there is no plan; this is pointless and the suffering will never change. But have you ever heard that coffee cup favorite Christian verse? “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.” Do you know who wrote that? A severely depressed follower of God. Jeremiah was called the weeping prophet. In fact, at one time in the book of Jeremiah, he asked, “Why did I ever come out of the womb?” which is a depressing question. He saw no point to his life. There was no plan. And yet, God didn’t just use him to write a book of the Bible; God used him to write one of the most famous passages that has inspired the hopeless for thousands of years. And the same is true for us. You might not know the plan and I might not know the plan but God has a plan. He will use you. In fact, he will use this because he knows the plans he has to give you hope and to give you a future.

Reason number two: Because this pain will pass. Pastor Rick Warren is the pastor of one of America’s largest churches but all that ministry success did not stop his son from taking his own life. After Matthew’s suicide, the pastor made a video where he pleaded with people who were considering making the same choice as his son and he said, “Don’t. Because emotions are like waves. You feel so dark and so hopeless but just like a wave that feels like it’s drowning you passes and crashes over your head, this pain will, too.” Emotions don’t last forever; they can’t last forever. So hold on. Light is coming in the morning. Blessing is coming with the promises of God. 

Reason number three: Because we would love to meet the real you. In his book, “And She Was a Christian,” Pastor Peter Preus tells the story of his wife’s suicide. She succeeded not on her first attempt but on her second and his church had no idea that she was sick, depressed, delusional. When he got up and prayed for his church family, they never prayed for her because what would the people think? What would they say if the pastor’s family was going through that and they were shocked to find out the day she did it. 

I hope we don’t have churches like that. I hope church is a place that you can come to when it is messy and messed up. When people come to my church for the new member meeting – you know, sit down in the pastor’s office – do you know what I tell them? I say, when you do something that is shockingly bad and embarrassing and shameful and you want to crawl in a hole, I want you to come here, first. And you’re going to hesitate to say it and then you’re going to spill it and you’re going to cry on this couch because here’s what I’m going to say as soon as you close your mouth: You know that God loves you, right? The church is not a place where we heave guilt on people’s messes. It’s a place where we have grace and mercy and the promises of God and so I want you to know that we would love to meet the real you. In fact, I feel closest to the people who are messed up at my church; it makes me feel better like I’m not the only one. So what if your church was a place where you can make a call, where you can reach out, and people would not take a step back in judgment but a step forward in grace? 

Reason number four: Because suicide is sin. You shall not murder, God commanded, and he was thinking about the murder of self, too. You are not your own; you were bought at a price, the apostle Paul wrote. And so, life is not ours to give or to take. God knit us together in our mother’s wombs and, therefore, our lives belong to him. Our best lives and our worst lives, the peaks and the valleys, the lives that seem to lack quality, all belongs to God. It’s in his hands and he gets to decide when it ends. 

Reason five: Because suicide is selfish. All the stories of suicide that I’ve read were not of people who wanted to end their lives; they wanted to end their pain. They believed things like this world would be better without me. I’m a burden to my family and friends. It’s going to be easier for them if I take my own life. But I can tell you the opposite is true. And the worst part of watching that show was when Hannah’s mom walked into the bathroom. And she did not end pain in this world; she compounded it. And so, you might hate yourself but I bet you love them – your friends, your family – and this will not ease their burden. It will leave them with questions that they maybe never will answer: Why did this happen? What didn’t I see? What did I do wrong? Suicide’s not just sinful; it’s selfish.

Reason number six: Because Jesus knows. You ever feel so overwhelmed, so sorrowful, so close to death that no one gets it? Have you ever felt so in the pit, that you’re so desperate for people to be with you because it’s not safe to be by yourself? Do you know who knows exactly how that feels? Jesus. You remember in the garden, the night before he dies, what he says? “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here with me.” And so when you’re in that valley and it seems like no one gets it, I want you to pray to Jesus because he doesn’t shake his head and furrow his brow; he nods and says, “I know. I know.” 

Reason number seven: Because I need you. I have battled a lot of temptation and a lot of struggles in my life but I’ve never battled this. And so, I need you. I need you to live and I need you to share and I need you to help make church better. There are depressed and suicidal people who show up every Sunday and I’m never going to be able to connect with them, to reach them, to understand them, without you. One of the best parts of preparing for this very message was talking to people who’ve thought about it, who’ve even attempted it, to learn from their stories. I need you to be a better pastor. Your pastor needs you to have a better church. 

Number eight: Because we need you. You might feel worthless, you might feel depressed, you might feel hopeless but the Bible says this: Those parts of the body of Christ that seem to be weaker are indispensable. You know what you might be like? You might be like that muscle in your body that you don’t know exists until you pull it. Ever happen to you? You try a new activity like, “I don’t even know what’s sore, but that hurts!” And you realize there’s something you didn’t know existed but you needed it. 

I think some of God’s depressed sons and daughters are just like that; they don’t know what their role is, they don’t know what their purpose is. They go through the motions and they think the world wouldn’t even miss me if I was gone. But like that muscle, we would. You’re an indispensable part. God uniquely wired and gifted and placed you in the time and place where you live for a reason. 

Reason number nine: Because they need you. And maybe it’s just me, but I think the Christian church has a bit of a PR problem these days. Lots of people think that the church is for good people who wear nice dresses and suits and polished shoes and if you’re depressed and suicidal and you have a problem with pills and clinical depression you don’t belong there. So maybe – maybe – God could use you to reach them. Maybe your story would be the one to prove, hey, you can be suicidal and saved. You can be depressed and you can go every Sunday. You can struggle with this and you will be loved and welcomed and not judged. Maybe God’s plan is to use you in that struggle to reach them for his glory and for their good.

Reason number ten: Because God is with you. Maybe you’ve considered suicide because your ex isn’t with you. Because you lost a baby and the child isn’t with you. Because you lost your reputation; you lost your job; you lost your wealth. You have lost so much; it’s not with you anymore. But you know who is? Jesus. “He is close to the brokenhearted,” the psalms say. “I will never leave you. I will never forsake you.” You feel completely alone in the dark. If you could just turn on the light of faith, you’d see him because God is always with you.

Reason eleven: Because God forgives you. You know the saddest thing to me about the story of Judas? Is that Jesus would have forgiven him. If he could have waited just two days and gathered with all of his shame and guilt in the upper room, do you know what would have happened? Jesus would have looked him in the eye with all the other bozos and said, “Peace. Peace, I give to you. For you, Peter, the denier. And you, Judas, the betrayer.” The blood of Jesus purifies us from all unrighteousness. And I don’t know what you did that makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed, wanting to run and hide, but I do know this: That when Jesus died on the cross and he said, “It is finished,” he thought of that, too. 

Reason number twelve: Because God has got you. When King David was in the pit of despair, he cried out this: “My times are in God’s hands.” Whatever that situation is that is making you feel that way – maybe it’s slipping through your fingers – but you know what’s underneath your fingers? The hands of God and nothing slips through. The situation is underneath the feet of Jesus; it is in his hands and he promises to use it in ways that if you could just see them for one second, they would blow your mind. 

And finally, most importantly, reason thirteen: Because God loves you. I know depression isn’t logical, I know you might not believe me when I say it, but if there’s one thing I want you to remember when you leave here today is that God loves you. If you’re a mess, God loves you. If you have it all together, God loves you. If you’ve never thought for a second about suicide, God loves you. And if you thought about it – before you came to church – God loves you. Neither angels nor demons nor the present nor the future, there’s nothing in all of creation, Romans 8 says, that can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. So you can cry and you can curl up and you can hold the pills in your hands but I want you to remember this – that you are dearly and deeply loved by God himself. 

Thirteen reasons to live. And if you would let me preach for another hour, I’d give you a 113 more. Up in Green Bay, Wisconsin where I’m from, a few years ago a woman tried to jump off a bridge. Her husband knew she was attempting it; she was speeding, weaving through traffic trying to get there and he called it in to the police station, panicked. And an officer sped through town to try to catch her. He saw the car when she parked. He rolled up behind her, she got out and ran, and she jumped to the bridge and just before it was too late, he reached out and grabbed her and pulled her to safety. She later came to faith in Jesus. Maybe today, the Holy Spirit is reaching out for you. And you’re so close, you're so close; you’re ready to jump but here is the hand of God, the hand of Jesus, pierced to prove his love for you and he says, “No, no, no. Don’t.” 

You might have 13 reasons why; I have thousands of reasons why not. So brothers and sisters, choose life because Jesus gave his life for you and he has a great life for you. Amen.

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One Year Celebration

Asa and I would like to do something special on Feb. 9th to remember Caleb. We don't want to sit around and be sad all day, but want to make an effort to focus on how great a life Caleb led and how many people loved him. We would like to do a get together, kind of a Celebration Memorial of Caleb's life. A time for us to gather and share great memories. We are trying to decide exactly where the location should be (it will be in Inman though); it will depend on how many will attend. EVERYONE is welcome! If you knew Caleb, know us, or have just been influenced by his story - you are welcome to come!

So, please let me know here or by comment or e-mail, if you would most likely come. So I can get an idea of how many to expect. It would be Friday, Feb. 9th at 7:00. Thanks! And feel free to share this with anyone who might want to come as well.

It Feels Like Being Smacked...

I haven't posted much about Caleb in awhile. Several people have checked on me this week, so I thought it might be good to share.

It's kind of a numbness that hurts. If that makes sense? I'm numb to the hurt and pain most of the time, but then it just hits suddenly with no warning. And then, life feels like it kinda halts. The numbness seeps into everyday life. Doing what I "have to do", such as getting up, going to work, and Christmas. Christmas is just another thing to have to do. I'll enjoy the festivities and will make memories with the family, but it just doesn't feel the same. 

It feels like being smacked with one thing after another these last few months. There was the start of what should have been Caleb's Senior year. Seeing the friends he has had, some since 5th grade, and their parents making graduation announcements and posting pics of college acceptance congratulations. There was his 18th birthday. I couldn't ask him his plans for that day or what he wanted to eat for dinner. There's the weekly letters he gets in the mail from colleges asking for him to consider their school, especially due to his high achieving academic career. Oh, he even got a letter from Uncle Sam last week reminding him to register for the draft. There was our first family vacation without him. Thanksgiving - which was his absolute favorite holiday. And now, Christmas. His stocking is hanging up and his favorite ornaments on the tree. Including his broken one from his 1st Christmas, where we retell the story of how it got broken by the falling Christmas tree that year. 

I try to say that 2018 is around the corner. A fresh start with a new year. But unfortunately, soon as the New Year begins, we will face the one year anniversary of Caleb being gone. I can't imagine yet what I will do that day. What can I physically do that day? 

I have been honored to have the chance to talk with a few young people since Caleb's passing who are struggling with their own feelings of depression and worth. I'm not sure how much difference I have made. But, if you are one of those people or even someone I haven't talked to yet, please listen to my heart. 

Caleb's absence is so loud. The obviousness of his absence does not fade away. It's always here. Lingering as a heaviness. It's a hurt that I constantly feel; towards Caleb, towards God, towards those that failed him, towards myself. I can imagine all the times that I'm sure Caleb thought to himself that he was a bother and how much everyone would be better without him. That is the worst lie he believed. I would take the hardest, the most aggravating day with Caleb over a day without him when knowing tomorrow will be the same. He was so blind to how many people loved him and how special he was. If you think you are worthless, please know that not one other person sees you that way. That is the honest truth. Please know how much you matter. How much you are loved, even if you don't feel that love. These moments will pass and you will find your path again. Please keep pushing forward, or even sideways; just keep going one day at a time. Because each day is so, so hard for who you will leave behind. Please keep going. I promise that it will get better.

Christmas Time.

Caleb's favorite ornament. From Dr. Who. And my favorite train ornament from childhood.

The Empty Seat.

17 months since our last family vacation. So, so needed. Been having having a hard time feeling grateful this season but trying. That empty seat is really loud.

Thankful for a brand new place to travel to. Thankful to be able to go spend time with family. Thankful for these boys in my life, including Sean.

I Will Not Stop.

I received this "letter", a couple of days ago from someone I went to church with growing up. Her story encouraged me and was greatly appreciated. I love you Caleb. I will never stop telling your story!

"I woke up this morning to the name Sean Zwiernikowski on my mind and heavy on my heart. Honestly I have not thought of you in probably 25 or more years. At first I just took it as a spirit prompt to pray for you. But as I began to pray and the more I prayed the weight on my spirit became so heavy. I began a search for you that took nearly an hour because I couldn't remember how to spell your name. 

Then I found you on Facebook which lead me to Caleb's story and I spent the next hour reading Asa's posting on her timeline. I was so deeply shaken. All day I have been deeply grieved. I realized I have a daughter that could very well be Caleb. My whole day was spent in prayer for your family and for mine. and tonight while we were all gathered and before we headed off to bed or different things I shared Caleb's story and we talked about us, what's really going on, about choices and our actions and words impact us and others and our hurts and brokenness. 

All of us talked, even my daughters, and all of us heard. We ended with a very meaningful time of prayer, praying for your family, boys, and Caleb's friends as well. I just felt like I needed to tell you that. and to thank you. Thank you for sharing your story and making me aware and giving me the chance to really speak and maybe intervene in the lives of my daughters before it's too late."

Games.

I absolutely love this. Caleb told me about a game he and his friend Aidan we're playing. They would both go on random college websites and input the others email and home address with a crazy made up name. Quite clever. And it brightens my day to see one come through with all the regular college advertisements that Caleb is still sent.

Prayer Works.

The amount of peace I feel on those tough days is directly correlated to the amount of people who say they are going to pray for me. The more comments about being prayed for means I sense a greater sense of peace. I find that incredibly amazing and cool.

I wanted all who did pray for my family that: prayer works, I appreciate it from the depths of my being, and thank you for standing with me.

Asa - 18th Birthday Part 2.

Good day just relaxing, sharing stories of Caleb's childhood, and being with family and friends. Thank you so much for all the messages, texts, and comments showing us love today. We are blessed. Happy 18th Birthday, my sweet boy.

Sean - 18th Birthday

Caleb, I am so sorry I missed the signs. That I dismissed you too quickly. That I let you wallow in the pain without helping. I struggle to forgive myself.

Even though I freely have given that same forgiveness to others, without an ounce of hesitation. And I meant it deeply, wholeheartedly. I know God has forgiven me and Asa has as well. If we could communicate right now, I know you would not want me to put blame on myself

But me, I am another story. On earth, the buck stopped here. So even though you have already given it, I publicly ask for your forgiveness once again.

Know I am proud of you. Period. Proud to call you my son. Proud to call you my friend. Proud to call you my brother in Christ. Proud of your boldness. Proud of how you stood for others. Proud you stood in your truth. Proud of how you shared your journey with your mother. Proud of the person you brought forth in me. Proud of how you lived your life everyday.

I will tell your story, to any and all who will listen. I will be the best father I know how to be to your 3 brothers and the daughters who look to me for, love, guidance and direction. I will apply the lessons you taught me. And I will not stop reaching out to those that are hurting under the mask. Because you led by example. You led by love.

I hurt deeply today, my heart aches. The unrealized promise of what you were becoming lies before me. A performance whose opening act set the scene, for a life full of sharing love and laughter with all whose paths unbeknownst to them intersected with your stage.

I miss you, bud. I love you.

___________________________________________________

GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.

GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!

GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple

question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master

that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

GUARD #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...

Oh, and find out how King Arthur got the coconuts. Because right after I hug you, I am going to want a definitive answer!

Asa - 18th Birthday Part 1.

Not going to post much tomorrow. Taking the day to relax and spend time with the people I love. But 18 years ago to this exact minute, I was heading to the hospital to become a mom. Caleb took his time and didn't quite cooperate, making his birthday Oct. 12th.

Caleb - You gave us an amazing 17 1/2 years. Even when the last years got tough, you were always my baby and one of my closest friends. I would have given you the most amazing 18th birthday party! You would have rolled your eyes and shook your head, but you would have loved it. Thank you for living a life with love and compassion for everyone you met and leaving an amazing legacy! We'll celebrate one day "soon".

I Got a Tattoo.

So, here it is! I got a tattoo!

I had been secretly wanting a tattoo for a long time but didn't have a good reason to get one. The weekend after Caleb passed, I knew I wanted to do this and have been contemplating exactly what to get ever since. I didn't want to rush into it. It's kind of a commitment! But this was perfect timing. The day before the 8 month anniversary of Caleb's death and a few days before his 18th birthday.

I had Sean's blessing and my Tattoo'ed Friends Support Group with me. I have bombarded Clarica and Debbie with a million questions over the last several months. I am so glad they were there to encourage me and cheer me on. Not only that, these ladies have become two of my closest friends this past year. I am so grateful for their daily encouragement and love, and I'm so honored that they wanted to join me today.

So, the tattoo. '99 for not only the year Caleb came into my life, but it's also the year I became a mom. 1999 is a special year for so many reasons; it let me fulfill my calling. The chick feet because I have always called the boys my "chickadees" as they followed me around the last 18 years.

Funny story - I had planned from the beginning to actually get "1999" on my wrist. When talking to the tattoo artist (Addam Duncan who was amazing!), he drew it out and showed me that since I was placing it on my wrist, when I would reach out my arm to someone, they will just see the "666" and probably not even pay attention to the 1 after. Well, in my line of work, that would not go over well. All my sweet, super religious patients would think I was a devil worshiper and had the "mark of the beast". So '99 it became, and that's fine!

I've got one more tattoo I'd really like to do, but as Sean says, "Let's see how this one goes first." Either way, now I will be a tattoo'ed grandma one day, and I've got a great way to share the story of how much I love my boys with whoever asks what this tattoo is all about.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 6.

(This past week, Sept. 10-16th, was National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

Even though this is my last post in my series this week, Sean and I both know that this has only been the beginning of Caleb's story. We've talked about how Caleb could have died in a car accident or with an illness, and it may have made our personal grieving process slightly easier (not dealing with the guilt part of it). But that's not how his time on Earth ended. It ended with his choice. And because of his choice, it's harder on us, but it gives us a message to spread. So, we can reach out to parents of hurting kids and share how to learn from our mistakes. So, we can reach out to troubled kids and teens and say that we actually get it now and share all the reasons to not give up.

This is the part of this whole terrible journey that gives me hope. I can't change the past. I can't change the choices I made. But I can absolutely change how I react in the future. I can try my best to help other parents learn from our mistakes. I can try my best to help other teens learn from Caleb's insecurities and poor choices. Today is a new day for all of us, no matter which side of the story we are on. There is always a light of hope, even in the darkest darkness.

The other source of peace that I have is knowing that Caleb is not gone forever. I gave my life to Jesus Christ a long time ago, and I know that He is in control, even when it feels like He's disappointed me. And I am so grateful to say that Caleb had a real encounter with God a few years ago. Despite his uncertainties of God's existence, he couldn't deny the Spirit he felt, and Caleb gave his life to Christ. Caleb is on the other side of the veil waiting for us. I know that I will get to put my arms around that skinny body again and hug him so hard! I can't imagine not having that peace that comes with knowing there is another side after death, that we don't just disappear into nothingness, and the pain of our separation will be gone for eternity.

God's peace is open to us all. Just like asking for help, we have to ask for God's peace. But it is waiting in abundance; we just have to take it.

I am so grateful for all the messages and notes I have received this week saying that my posts have touched your hearts and helped your soul. Please know that I am always welcome to talk to anyone if I can ever be of assistance to listen or more. Love to you all!

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 5.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

It has been a busy few evenings; sorry that I'm delayed with my posts! But today, I want to take a more professional angle to sharing.

I recently wrote an email to an administrator in our school district who had asked me, back in February, to share with him if Sean or I ever had any suggestions to prevent another suicide among our teens or assist teens who are struggling. I wrote him with some suggestions, but I also researched some statistics. I shared these with him to show how common these feelings are and the importance of not looking at Caleb (or the other losses our district and others have had the past few years) as "one time" events each time they occur. These are the statistics I shared:

- Suicide is the second leading cause of death for college age youth and ages 12-18.

- Among students grades 9-12 in the U.S during 2013-14: 17% state they seriously considered attempting suicide, 13% made a plan on how to attempt suicide, 8% attempted suicide one or more times - in the past 12 months. 

- 90% of suicide victims suffer from mental illness, and suffering from depression can make a teenager as much as 12 times more likely to attempt suicide.

- Anxiety disorders affect one in eight children. These children are more at risk to perform poorly in school, miss out on important social experiences, and engage in substance abuse.

In 2015, 12.5% of the US population of age 12-17 had at least one major depressive episode in the past year.

- Less than 33% of teens with depression get help, yet 80% of teens with depression can be successfully treated.

                                                                                                     

I share these statistics now for two reasons. One - If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or thoughts of suicide, you are not alone! You are not weird and nothing is wrong with you. This is, unfortunately, very common. But pay attention to that last statistic in particular. Only 33% seek out help but 80% can be successfully treated. (And I tend to believe that 80% number is too low.) Do not be scared to ask for help or talk to someone about what you are feeling because you are scared of what they will think of you. If you find the right adult (a teacher, pastor, or guidance counselor in particular), chances are that you will not tell them something that they haven't heard before. They will not be shocked or think less of you. They will actually think more highly of you because you were brave enough to stand up and seek help.

Secondly, we adults - parents, school teachers, administrators, and church leaders - need to do more! Look at the reality of what is going on out there. These kids are struggling and they need us! They will try to smile and fool us, but it is up to us to do the hard work and ask deeper questions and try to see into their hearts.

Think of the progress we can make if we break the stereotype of teen depression and anxiety and the stereotype of suicide, and we realize how not to be afraid to be honest and ask for help and we realize how not to be timid and reach out in order to help when we suspect a need in someone else! Be brave!

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 4.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.) (Sorry, a few hours late!)

Today, I want to talk about perception. The perception we have of ourselves and the perception we have of others.

We were given a glimpse of Caleb's true thoughts when we found two "stream of consciousness" writings / journal entries. In both, it was very evident that Caleb was filled with so much anger - anger at himself and anger at others.

Caleb had such a poor perception of himself. In several conversations over the last month or so of Caleb's life, he used the phrases, "something is wrong with me", "I'm not normal", and "I'm messed up". His therapist said they spoke often of how Caleb viewed himself versus how everyone else saw him. I can't tell you how many times adults came up to me to tell me how impressed they were with something Caleb did or how he presented himself. He was so likeable and friendly. But for some reason, he couldn't see that side of himself. He also had a hard time forgiving himself. One of the last things Caleb did was send an apology to someone for a hurt he had caused them almost a year before. I had no idea that this was still weighing on him heavily, but he obviously had not been able to forgive himself and had to try to make it right before leaving this Earth.

Caleb thought he had a lot of people who "hated" him. It was all about stupid teenage stuff, but he took every jab and comment to heart, laughing out loud but pained each time. He also felt like he didn't have any true friends. I don't say this to hurt anyone, but just to show how manipulated his mind was. He would say and do things to see what kind of reaction he would get. His small way of asking for help without asking, but no one took the bait. Caleb wrote about the time he wore a blanket from home around his shoulders at school all day and how nobody asked why. He wrote that everyone thought he was "just weird Caleb". That and other comments he made to friends, I know were his way of "testing" others, to see how much they really cared. So, when he would say something crazy, and that friend didn't react, in Caleb's mind, that friend didn't care.

                                                                                

If this sounds familiar because either you do the same thing or it reminds you of something you see in others, I want to say that our perception isn't always accurate. First, do not judge what others think of you by what you think they think of you. (That's confusing!) That is hard to do; I'm still working on that one. We have no idea why someone else reacts to us the way they do. It could be their own insecurities, they could just not know what to say or do so they don't do anything, or their mind could be somewhere else at that moment. If you have a mature person who really cares for you tell you that you are good, and perfect, and just fine, believe them. Because you are good and perfect and just fine. We are all perfectly messed up and growing / changing every day. Not one of us is finished yet.

Also, be so very observant of ways others are maybe asking for help. I've talked before about the importance of saying the words, but the truth is, most people are still going to be too scared. If something stirs in your heart as not quite right, go to that person and check on them. I like the phrases, "How are you doing? ... No, REALLY, how are you doing?"

An image keeps coming to me that we are all porous. Nothing really bounces off of us. Teasing, conditions (such as "I won't be your friend if..."), and the judgement may look like they bounce off us, but they really seep through. Please be kind. You have no idea how your actions and words will affect that person, especially if it appears it has no effect at all.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 3.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

There are three things I wish I could have shared with Caleb. So, I hope they will help someone else:

1. This is temporary. I don't mean to minimize the struggle people go through with life long issues with depression. But what I mean is this specific struggle, this current pain, this point of hopelessness you feel right now - it is temporary. Struggles come and go. You never know who God will bring into your path tomorrow, who will have just the right word or tip that will make it better or easier. You will grow from this struggle and be stronger for it. It won't be the last struggle, but it won't last forever. Seek out new wisdom and keep searching for the answer. It will pass.

2. You have to do the work to get better, but you can't do it on your own. A friend of Caleb's, who he opened up to often, said that Caleb was obsessed with the idea that he had to help himself. That he couldn't depend on anyone else to make him better. He had to do it. It is true that no one has a "magic button" to make it all better. You will need to seek the information and then follow that information. But you can't find it on your own. You aren't thinking clearly and you actually need someone else to carry the burden WITH you. You are stronger when you have a team to help. It doesn't mean that you are weak or have given up. It means you are trying harder to survive when you ask for help.

3. The cliche' is true. When you take your life, you just transfer that pain to other people. Our family and Caleb's friends are living proof of that. He has friends that still struggle daily with the loss of Caleb in their everyday routines. His brother's lives will never be the same. They have been amazingly strong these past 7 months, but this is a loss that they will carry with them forever. And Sean and I will never be the same. I have described it feeling like a heavy emptiness. It never goes away. When I'm laughing or enjoying myself with others, it is still there; I can still feel it. There are moments I can't breathe. And moments I don't know if I can go on. I literally feel like I'm carrying Caleb's burden now.

Don't keep yourself in this pain and don't transfer it to the ones who love you. Ask for help. Don't wait another day to begin the path of healing and peace.