It Feels Like Being Smacked...

I haven't posted much about Caleb in awhile. Several people have checked on me this week, so I thought it might be good to share.

It's kind of a numbness that hurts. If that makes sense? I'm numb to the hurt and pain most of the time, but then it just hits suddenly with no warning. And then, life feels like it kinda halts. The numbness seeps into everyday life. Doing what I "have to do", such as getting up, going to work, and Christmas. Christmas is just another thing to have to do. I'll enjoy the festivities and will make memories with the family, but it just doesn't feel the same. 

It feels like being smacked with one thing after another these last few months. There was the start of what should have been Caleb's Senior year. Seeing the friends he has had, some since 5th grade, and their parents making graduation announcements and posting pics of college acceptance congratulations. There was his 18th birthday. I couldn't ask him his plans for that day or what he wanted to eat for dinner. There's the weekly letters he gets in the mail from colleges asking for him to consider their school, especially due to his high achieving academic career. Oh, he even got a letter from Uncle Sam last week reminding him to register for the draft. There was our first family vacation without him. Thanksgiving - which was his absolute favorite holiday. And now, Christmas. His stocking is hanging up and his favorite ornaments on the tree. Including his broken one from his 1st Christmas, where we retell the story of how it got broken by the falling Christmas tree that year. 

I try to say that 2018 is around the corner. A fresh start with a new year. But unfortunately, soon as the New Year begins, we will face the one year anniversary of Caleb being gone. I can't imagine yet what I will do that day. What can I physically do that day? 

I have been honored to have the chance to talk with a few young people since Caleb's passing who are struggling with their own feelings of depression and worth. I'm not sure how much difference I have made. But, if you are one of those people or even someone I haven't talked to yet, please listen to my heart. 

Caleb's absence is so loud. The obviousness of his absence does not fade away. It's always here. Lingering as a heaviness. It's a hurt that I constantly feel; towards Caleb, towards God, towards those that failed him, towards myself. I can imagine all the times that I'm sure Caleb thought to himself that he was a bother and how much everyone would be better without him. That is the worst lie he believed. I would take the hardest, the most aggravating day with Caleb over a day without him when knowing tomorrow will be the same. He was so blind to how many people loved him and how special he was. If you think you are worthless, please know that not one other person sees you that way. That is the honest truth. Please know how much you matter. How much you are loved, even if you don't feel that love. These moments will pass and you will find your path again. Please keep pushing forward, or even sideways; just keep going one day at a time. Because each day is so, so hard for who you will leave behind. Please keep going. I promise that it will get better.

Christmas Time.

Caleb's favorite ornament. From Dr. Who. And my favorite train ornament from childhood.

The Empty Seat.

17 months since our last family vacation. So, so needed. Been having having a hard time feeling grateful this season but trying. That empty seat is really loud.

Thankful for a brand new place to travel to. Thankful to be able to go spend time with family. Thankful for these boys in my life, including Sean.

I Will Not Stop.

I received this "letter", a couple of days ago from someone I went to church with growing up. Her story encouraged me and was greatly appreciated. I love you Caleb. I will never stop telling your story!

"I woke up this morning to the name Sean Zwiernikowski on my mind and heavy on my heart. Honestly I have not thought of you in probably 25 or more years. At first I just took it as a spirit prompt to pray for you. But as I began to pray and the more I prayed the weight on my spirit became so heavy. I began a search for you that took nearly an hour because I couldn't remember how to spell your name. 

Then I found you on Facebook which lead me to Caleb's story and I spent the next hour reading Asa's posting on her timeline. I was so deeply shaken. All day I have been deeply grieved. I realized I have a daughter that could very well be Caleb. My whole day was spent in prayer for your family and for mine. and tonight while we were all gathered and before we headed off to bed or different things I shared Caleb's story and we talked about us, what's really going on, about choices and our actions and words impact us and others and our hurts and brokenness. 

All of us talked, even my daughters, and all of us heard. We ended with a very meaningful time of prayer, praying for your family, boys, and Caleb's friends as well. I just felt like I needed to tell you that. and to thank you. Thank you for sharing your story and making me aware and giving me the chance to really speak and maybe intervene in the lives of my daughters before it's too late."

Games.

I absolutely love this. Caleb told me about a game he and his friend Aidan we're playing. They would both go on random college websites and input the others email and home address with a crazy made up name. Quite clever. And it brightens my day to see one come through with all the regular college advertisements that Caleb is still sent.

Prayer Works.

The amount of peace I feel on those tough days is directly correlated to the amount of people who say they are going to pray for me. The more comments about being prayed for means I sense a greater sense of peace. I find that incredibly amazing and cool.

I wanted all who did pray for my family that: prayer works, I appreciate it from the depths of my being, and thank you for standing with me.

Asa - 18th Birthday Part 2.

Good day just relaxing, sharing stories of Caleb's childhood, and being with family and friends. Thank you so much for all the messages, texts, and comments showing us love today. We are blessed. Happy 18th Birthday, my sweet boy.

Sean - 18th Birthday

Caleb, I am so sorry I missed the signs. That I dismissed you too quickly. That I let you wallow in the pain without helping. I struggle to forgive myself.

Even though I freely have given that same forgiveness to others, without an ounce of hesitation. And I meant it deeply, wholeheartedly. I know God has forgiven me and Asa has as well. If we could communicate right now, I know you would not want me to put blame on myself

But me, I am another story. On earth, the buck stopped here. So even though you have already given it, I publicly ask for your forgiveness once again.

Know I am proud of you. Period. Proud to call you my son. Proud to call you my friend. Proud to call you my brother in Christ. Proud of your boldness. Proud of how you stood for others. Proud you stood in your truth. Proud of how you shared your journey with your mother. Proud of the person you brought forth in me. Proud of how you lived your life everyday.

I will tell your story, to any and all who will listen. I will be the best father I know how to be to your 3 brothers and the daughters who look to me for, love, guidance and direction. I will apply the lessons you taught me. And I will not stop reaching out to those that are hurting under the mask. Because you led by example. You led by love.

I hurt deeply today, my heart aches. The unrealized promise of what you were becoming lies before me. A performance whose opening act set the scene, for a life full of sharing love and laughter with all whose paths unbeknownst to them intersected with your stage.

I miss you, bud. I love you.

___________________________________________________

GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.

GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!

GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple

question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master

that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

GUARD #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.

GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...

Oh, and find out how King Arthur got the coconuts. Because right after I hug you, I am going to want a definitive answer!

Asa - 18th Birthday Part 1.

Not going to post much tomorrow. Taking the day to relax and spend time with the people I love. But 18 years ago to this exact minute, I was heading to the hospital to become a mom. Caleb took his time and didn't quite cooperate, making his birthday Oct. 12th.

Caleb - You gave us an amazing 17 1/2 years. Even when the last years got tough, you were always my baby and one of my closest friends. I would have given you the most amazing 18th birthday party! You would have rolled your eyes and shook your head, but you would have loved it. Thank you for living a life with love and compassion for everyone you met and leaving an amazing legacy! We'll celebrate one day "soon".

I Got a Tattoo.

So, here it is! I got a tattoo!

I had been secretly wanting a tattoo for a long time but didn't have a good reason to get one. The weekend after Caleb passed, I knew I wanted to do this and have been contemplating exactly what to get ever since. I didn't want to rush into it. It's kind of a commitment! But this was perfect timing. The day before the 8 month anniversary of Caleb's death and a few days before his 18th birthday.

I had Sean's blessing and my Tattoo'ed Friends Support Group with me. I have bombarded Clarica and Debbie with a million questions over the last several months. I am so glad they were there to encourage me and cheer me on. Not only that, these ladies have become two of my closest friends this past year. I am so grateful for their daily encouragement and love, and I'm so honored that they wanted to join me today.

So, the tattoo. '99 for not only the year Caleb came into my life, but it's also the year I became a mom. 1999 is a special year for so many reasons; it let me fulfill my calling. The chick feet because I have always called the boys my "chickadees" as they followed me around the last 18 years.

Funny story - I had planned from the beginning to actually get "1999" on my wrist. When talking to the tattoo artist (Addam Duncan who was amazing!), he drew it out and showed me that since I was placing it on my wrist, when I would reach out my arm to someone, they will just see the "666" and probably not even pay attention to the 1 after. Well, in my line of work, that would not go over well. All my sweet, super religious patients would think I was a devil worshiper and had the "mark of the beast". So '99 it became, and that's fine!

I've got one more tattoo I'd really like to do, but as Sean says, "Let's see how this one goes first." Either way, now I will be a tattoo'ed grandma one day, and I've got a great way to share the story of how much I love my boys with whoever asks what this tattoo is all about.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 6.

(This past week, Sept. 10-16th, was National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

Even though this is my last post in my series this week, Sean and I both know that this has only been the beginning of Caleb's story. We've talked about how Caleb could have died in a car accident or with an illness, and it may have made our personal grieving process slightly easier (not dealing with the guilt part of it). But that's not how his time on Earth ended. It ended with his choice. And because of his choice, it's harder on us, but it gives us a message to spread. So, we can reach out to parents of hurting kids and share how to learn from our mistakes. So, we can reach out to troubled kids and teens and say that we actually get it now and share all the reasons to not give up.

This is the part of this whole terrible journey that gives me hope. I can't change the past. I can't change the choices I made. But I can absolutely change how I react in the future. I can try my best to help other parents learn from our mistakes. I can try my best to help other teens learn from Caleb's insecurities and poor choices. Today is a new day for all of us, no matter which side of the story we are on. There is always a light of hope, even in the darkest darkness.

The other source of peace that I have is knowing that Caleb is not gone forever. I gave my life to Jesus Christ a long time ago, and I know that He is in control, even when it feels like He's disappointed me. And I am so grateful to say that Caleb had a real encounter with God a few years ago. Despite his uncertainties of God's existence, he couldn't deny the Spirit he felt, and Caleb gave his life to Christ. Caleb is on the other side of the veil waiting for us. I know that I will get to put my arms around that skinny body again and hug him so hard! I can't imagine not having that peace that comes with knowing there is another side after death, that we don't just disappear into nothingness, and the pain of our separation will be gone for eternity.

God's peace is open to us all. Just like asking for help, we have to ask for God's peace. But it is waiting in abundance; we just have to take it.

I am so grateful for all the messages and notes I have received this week saying that my posts have touched your hearts and helped your soul. Please know that I am always welcome to talk to anyone if I can ever be of assistance to listen or more. Love to you all!

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 5.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

It has been a busy few evenings; sorry that I'm delayed with my posts! But today, I want to take a more professional angle to sharing.

I recently wrote an email to an administrator in our school district who had asked me, back in February, to share with him if Sean or I ever had any suggestions to prevent another suicide among our teens or assist teens who are struggling. I wrote him with some suggestions, but I also researched some statistics. I shared these with him to show how common these feelings are and the importance of not looking at Caleb (or the other losses our district and others have had the past few years) as "one time" events each time they occur. These are the statistics I shared:

- Suicide is the second leading cause of death for college age youth and ages 12-18.

- Among students grades 9-12 in the U.S during 2013-14: 17% state they seriously considered attempting suicide, 13% made a plan on how to attempt suicide, 8% attempted suicide one or more times - in the past 12 months. 

- 90% of suicide victims suffer from mental illness, and suffering from depression can make a teenager as much as 12 times more likely to attempt suicide.

- Anxiety disorders affect one in eight children. These children are more at risk to perform poorly in school, miss out on important social experiences, and engage in substance abuse.

In 2015, 12.5% of the US population of age 12-17 had at least one major depressive episode in the past year.

- Less than 33% of teens with depression get help, yet 80% of teens with depression can be successfully treated.

                                                                                                     

I share these statistics now for two reasons. One - If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or thoughts of suicide, you are not alone! You are not weird and nothing is wrong with you. This is, unfortunately, very common. But pay attention to that last statistic in particular. Only 33% seek out help but 80% can be successfully treated. (And I tend to believe that 80% number is too low.) Do not be scared to ask for help or talk to someone about what you are feeling because you are scared of what they will think of you. If you find the right adult (a teacher, pastor, or guidance counselor in particular), chances are that you will not tell them something that they haven't heard before. They will not be shocked or think less of you. They will actually think more highly of you because you were brave enough to stand up and seek help.

Secondly, we adults - parents, school teachers, administrators, and church leaders - need to do more! Look at the reality of what is going on out there. These kids are struggling and they need us! They will try to smile and fool us, but it is up to us to do the hard work and ask deeper questions and try to see into their hearts.

Think of the progress we can make if we break the stereotype of teen depression and anxiety and the stereotype of suicide, and we realize how not to be afraid to be honest and ask for help and we realize how not to be timid and reach out in order to help when we suspect a need in someone else! Be brave!

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 4.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.) (Sorry, a few hours late!)

Today, I want to talk about perception. The perception we have of ourselves and the perception we have of others.

We were given a glimpse of Caleb's true thoughts when we found two "stream of consciousness" writings / journal entries. In both, it was very evident that Caleb was filled with so much anger - anger at himself and anger at others.

Caleb had such a poor perception of himself. In several conversations over the last month or so of Caleb's life, he used the phrases, "something is wrong with me", "I'm not normal", and "I'm messed up". His therapist said they spoke often of how Caleb viewed himself versus how everyone else saw him. I can't tell you how many times adults came up to me to tell me how impressed they were with something Caleb did or how he presented himself. He was so likeable and friendly. But for some reason, he couldn't see that side of himself. He also had a hard time forgiving himself. One of the last things Caleb did was send an apology to someone for a hurt he had caused them almost a year before. I had no idea that this was still weighing on him heavily, but he obviously had not been able to forgive himself and had to try to make it right before leaving this Earth.

Caleb thought he had a lot of people who "hated" him. It was all about stupid teenage stuff, but he took every jab and comment to heart, laughing out loud but pained each time. He also felt like he didn't have any true friends. I don't say this to hurt anyone, but just to show how manipulated his mind was. He would say and do things to see what kind of reaction he would get. His small way of asking for help without asking, but no one took the bait. Caleb wrote about the time he wore a blanket from home around his shoulders at school all day and how nobody asked why. He wrote that everyone thought he was "just weird Caleb". That and other comments he made to friends, I know were his way of "testing" others, to see how much they really cared. So, when he would say something crazy, and that friend didn't react, in Caleb's mind, that friend didn't care.

                                                                                

If this sounds familiar because either you do the same thing or it reminds you of something you see in others, I want to say that our perception isn't always accurate. First, do not judge what others think of you by what you think they think of you. (That's confusing!) That is hard to do; I'm still working on that one. We have no idea why someone else reacts to us the way they do. It could be their own insecurities, they could just not know what to say or do so they don't do anything, or their mind could be somewhere else at that moment. If you have a mature person who really cares for you tell you that you are good, and perfect, and just fine, believe them. Because you are good and perfect and just fine. We are all perfectly messed up and growing / changing every day. Not one of us is finished yet.

Also, be so very observant of ways others are maybe asking for help. I've talked before about the importance of saying the words, but the truth is, most people are still going to be too scared. If something stirs in your heart as not quite right, go to that person and check on them. I like the phrases, "How are you doing? ... No, REALLY, how are you doing?"

An image keeps coming to me that we are all porous. Nothing really bounces off of us. Teasing, conditions (such as "I won't be your friend if..."), and the judgement may look like they bounce off us, but they really seep through. Please be kind. You have no idea how your actions and words will affect that person, especially if it appears it has no effect at all.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 3.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

There are three things I wish I could have shared with Caleb. So, I hope they will help someone else:

1. This is temporary. I don't mean to minimize the struggle people go through with life long issues with depression. But what I mean is this specific struggle, this current pain, this point of hopelessness you feel right now - it is temporary. Struggles come and go. You never know who God will bring into your path tomorrow, who will have just the right word or tip that will make it better or easier. You will grow from this struggle and be stronger for it. It won't be the last struggle, but it won't last forever. Seek out new wisdom and keep searching for the answer. It will pass.

2. You have to do the work to get better, but you can't do it on your own. A friend of Caleb's, who he opened up to often, said that Caleb was obsessed with the idea that he had to help himself. That he couldn't depend on anyone else to make him better. He had to do it. It is true that no one has a "magic button" to make it all better. You will need to seek the information and then follow that information. But you can't find it on your own. You aren't thinking clearly and you actually need someone else to carry the burden WITH you. You are stronger when you have a team to help. It doesn't mean that you are weak or have given up. It means you are trying harder to survive when you ask for help.

3. The cliche' is true. When you take your life, you just transfer that pain to other people. Our family and Caleb's friends are living proof of that. He has friends that still struggle daily with the loss of Caleb in their everyday routines. His brother's lives will never be the same. They have been amazingly strong these past 7 months, but this is a loss that they will carry with them forever. And Sean and I will never be the same. I have described it feeling like a heavy emptiness. It never goes away. When I'm laughing or enjoying myself with others, it is still there; I can still feel it. There are moments I can't breathe. And moments I don't know if I can go on. I literally feel like I'm carrying Caleb's burden now.

Don't keep yourself in this pain and don't transfer it to the ones who love you. Ask for help. Don't wait another day to begin the path of healing and peace.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 2.

(This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.)

Today, I'd like to talk to the teens. I feel such a passion now for helping others to know the signs and to know how to react. Not only because I feel like I failed Caleb, but because a lot of his friends failed him, too.

If your friend jokes about suicide, if your friend says "I thought about suicide before but not now", if your friend starts alienating himself from normal activities, if your friend starts making excuses for acting peculiar (or doesn't make excuses), if your friend just isn't himself, I want you to do two things. #1. Ask. Look them in the eye and ask how they are REALLY doing. Someone struggling with suicidal thoughts or even strong depression or anxiety are rarely going to ask for help. You have to ask them. Then no matter what the answer, do #2. Go tell an adult. No matter how smart or mature you are, you are not equipped with the knowledge and experience to know if they are telling the truth and to help them. It doesn't matter what adult, just tell one. You can say, "Hey, this may not be a big deal, but I'm kinda worried about ___. He said _____ which is odd." That's it. That's all you have to say. If the adult blows it off, tell one more adult, just to be sure. Hand that responsibility to someone else; don't leave it in your hands.

Risk making your friend mad or embarrassed, It will be temporary, but you never know what kind of permanent difference you can make.

Caleb made several comments to friends. Some friends thought he was better. Some knew he was seeing a therapist, so they thought he was talking to his therapist about his past suicidal thoughts (he wasn't), and some knew he wasn't doing good, but didn't know what to say. Not one told an adult. Please do not be scared to ask for help for your friend. Be brave and stand in the gap for that friend, because more than likely, they can't do it for themselves.

Suicide Prevention Week - Part 1.

This week, Sept. 10-16th, is National Suicide Prevention Week. Because this is something I know way too much about now, I'd like to share a small part of Caleb's story every day this week, hoping that it will resonate with someone else. If it does - immediately text or call a parent, a teacher, a friend, a pastor, and just say the words, "I really need help." Please, don't be scared to use those words.

Today, I want to address the story to parents. Caleb first came to use two years ago and said, "I think something is wrong with me." He had been doing his own online research and thought it could be depression or ADD. We did not take it very seriously. We knew he was going through stress with changes at school. So, in our mind, he just had not finished adjusting to the changes. We gave advice and actually got him in touch with his school guidance counselor to meet with and talk about stress management and better time management. Over the next two years, Caleb would drop "hints" every once in awhile. He even shared with me "what I do when things are really bad". But through it all, I thought he just wasn't trying hard enough. If he would just do the things we would tell him, he would be just fine. Why couldn't he just make himself study or sleep or get out of bed. I thought it was a matter of choice.

Neither Sean nor I did any research. If I had just read some articles on teenage depression or anxiety, I would have seen the clear facts. I would have seen that Caleb didn't have a choice, that he was trying with all his might but was losing the fight.

I never in a million years would have thought Caleb would make the choice to end his life. So, I stayed in denial, didn't ask the questions that I didn't want answers to, and handed him to a therapist and believed that would solve his problems.

Parents - pay attention to what your child is not saying to you.

They are not going to look you in the eye and say, "I want to kill myself." We were lucky Caleb communicated with us as much as he did. Most parents who lose their child had no idea whatsoever that the child was suffering. Ask the hard questions. And search out every avenue of help, while telling your child that there is always hope and that you together aren't going to give up.

6 Months Ago.

Caleb, your mom and I are convinced you thought that everyone would come together and grieve and things would be fine.

Well, everyone did come together. But you miscalculated on one thing bud. Things are not fine. You left a hole in our lives. And it sucks. Yesterday 6 months ago, you got to welcome Grandma into heaven. And I'm sure her surprise at seeing you there. But today 6 months ago we got the call. They fished your earthly vessel from the bay. See, you thought your remains would just disappear (they didn't). But I got a call this afternoon... And the detectives words burned into my mind. "We got your boy. We found him." Love you Caleb. I love you. I forgive you. I love you.

Love Does Not Discriminate.

"Love doesn't discriminate

Between the sinners

And the saints

It takes and it takes and it takes

And we keep loving anyway

We laugh and we cry

And we break

And we make our mistakes."

These words from Hamilton hit me in the heart every time I hear them. I don't know if I can describe the last six months any better. Or describe life any better, for that matter.

I've been told that it will get better, but I'm still waiting. I spoke with a friend of mine today who lost her son too early, as well. She said that it's really not true. The pain is always the same. The emptiness doesn't go away. We just learn to cope with it.

I look tough on the outside. But I'm still a mess internally. I still cry every day. I still struggle with my motivation to do anything. I still question and wish and wonder.

But one thing God is teaching me - Instead of focusing on my disappointment of how Caleb chose to die, why am I not focusing on how proud I am of how he lived? This would not be affecting so many people if Caleb had not lived a life of love and giving. His death was a tragedy, but his life was a legacy. I am daily surprised the people who reach out to me to tell me how Caleb friended them or helped them through a rough period or just made them laugh. 

I am so proud of my boy. So proud! I will always see him sitting next to me in the car, reminded of our many trips together where he just wanted to talk to me, and I will smile more and try to cry less. I know that's what he would want.

6 Month Anniversary.

When the storms come and crash against the foundations of your life. You'd better have chosen a strong foundation! Love you buddy! You should have been here tonight... God help my family make it through this week.

Nothing is Wasted

So, I have discovered the joy of podcasts during my daily commutes. This is one I wanted to share, because it is literally life changing.

I have thought of Davey Blackburn often over the last 5 months. If you don't know who he is, google him. A young pastor with a growing church, and on an average day, his life changed forever when his wife is murdered in their home. During times when I couldn't understand why or how God could let us lose Caleb, I would often think of this man and how much more reason he had to question God. His loss was so much more random than ours; those men could have picked any house or any street. It was shocking.

Anyways, he started a podcast, and I can't list the amount of nuggets of wisdom I have gained from listening. God has spoken to me so much through this. If you are grieving from a loss that seems unbearable or if you just want guidance on how to have faith and strength during really rough times in life, take some time to listen to this podcast.

Nothing is Wasted - Podcast

Promise Made. Promise Kept.

I'm a day late, but here's my #coffeeforcaleb . QT opened on our Inman exit yesterday, and I've been anticipating it's opening for months to get a coffee in memory of him. Caleb and I were giddy with excitement the day we saw the sign go up that we were getting a QT in Inman! He knew he'd waste lots of money stopping there on all his trips to and from Upstate every day. He even looked up info on possibly getting a job there. 

In my mind, this is Caleb's QT. And now I sit here on a Friday at 5:00 getting coffee (ugh, which I will regret tonight) (and if I'm being honest, it's a White Chocolate Raspberry Latte), because I made myself a promise. So, Caleb, every time I stop here and get coffee or donuts or sweet tea, I will think of you.

Caleb's Things.

We have finally received a call from the police detective that we will get the rest of Caleb's belongings tomorrow or Saturday. We will be getting his suicide letter.( We have read a copy just not had the original.) His wallet and most importantly to us...His phone.

I didn't think it would be a big deal to me. But from the moment we received the call I have been quite upset. We will get to read and listen to the messages left for Caleb on his phone that horrible day. The messages left Thursday evening when we thought he had run away. And those that have been left on Friday when we found out he was not coming home with us.

How fitting on the last official day of school. No more words tonight. Just tears.

Grief is love's souvenir.

Amazing quote today as I listened in the car:

"Grief is love's souvenir. It's our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price."

Tribute.

Her uncle did not ask or was told that Caleb loved flannel. When we told him that his friends wore flannel as a tribute to him we knew God was involved!

Enough is Enough.

I heard some of Caleb's stories about being frozen out for absolutely petty reasons. I have to say I thought he was being a bit dramatic. But when I found the writings he had left behind detailing the people and the situations and how it had deeply cut him emotionally. I changed my tune.

How many more kids have to feel destroyed inside before a group of teens will stand up and say,"No more". If Caleb stood before you one more time. Would you still treat him that way? Speak those words? Shun him or her, like it was a game? Hurt him because you knew he cared about others deeply, so you could?

Because Caleb is standing before you again. His name is different, his face and gender might be different. But he stands before you now. How will you chose to treat him?

I have not spoken of this until now. I thought those involved had learned a horrible lesson. But it seems as though nothing was learned. And it breaks my heart.

Emotional Bullying

This is something I've wanted to share for awhile. The idea of "emotional bullying". Caleb was a victim of this. Over the last few years, Caleb had become concerned with how many people "hated" him. If you knew Caleb, you would realize this was preposterous. He was so kind and friendly. But he really did have many people who treated him horribly. He had people who had been his friends years ago, but then when Caleb moved into new areas of his life, they felt left behind and told him that he thought he was "better than us". He had ex-girlfriends who said nasty things about him and to his face. He had friends of ex-girlfriends spread horrible rumors that were very untrue. He had friends who used manipulation and pity to try to get what they wanted from him and when they didn't get the result they wanted, would turn his friendship away unless he "played the game". I know all these things, because Caleb would tell me. He also mentioned these things to his guidance counselor, who he had become close to. Both of us agree that Caleb would share these events with a laugh, as if he was letting them roll off him. I would usually reply with something about how "teenagers are stupid".

Hindsight - each person, each event, each comment, chipped a little off of Caleb's view of himself. He didn't mention these situations to me or his guidance counselor as casual stories, but to say, "Look, look at these bullets coming at me. I don't know how to protect myself." None of us really knew how much he hated himself. We didn't know what he battled daily in his head. From his writings, we now know that he thought he was "messed up" and "unlovable". He was worried about being alone forever and never finding real connections with people who would love the real him.

Please take a moment to analyze the words you use and the expectations you put on others. All of us are human. We have no real idea of how our words effect another. We all hide our fears, hurts, and wounds from the world; some more than others. We all just want someone to love us and have our back, no matter what crazy thing we do or stupid mistake we make. Just love. Just love one another. Don't worry about the small things. They are insignificant. They are temporary. Just love.

15 Signs You May be an Emotional Bully.

Blue Bird.

I haven't written about Caleb much. What do I say? Asa and I have saved every card, note, letter, gift we have received. We treasure them all. Our friends, family and friends we did not know until Caleb died, have surrounded our family with love and prayers. We have several adopted daughters now and a few son's. It has been 3 months now. The days are getting easier, kind of.

Asa has her moments in the car during the day. I have mine at night reflecting on the day that was and what it was missing. The family dynamic has changed as the boys all have adjusted their roles to fill in the hole that was left behind. The boys resiliency, and how they are each handling the loss, just blows me away. I thank God for that.

I met this wonderful soul in Minnesota. She fit right into our family. She was Caleb's confidante. They spoke for almost 5 hours 2 days before he died. She had no clue what Caleb was thinking of doing. But I know she brought him a level of comfort he so sorely needed. Asa and I are greatful for her.

We have met and been told of people who did not know Caleb, but knew of him. And his life and death have inspired them, not only to appreciate those in their lives, but have told his story to their friends and family.

We have both learned and studied this issue of depression and suicide, more than I care to think about. And will continue to do so.

We are so thankful to the ones who asked us how we are doing and after saying alright or OK or fine, they replied with, No really, I want to really know. And listen and cry with us.

We extend grace to those who asked how are you doing, praying we said ok and would change the subject. We know they care but are unsure of how to approach the subject, or say something wrong that could hurt us. There is nothing wrong you can say about our precious boy and his choosing death that could be wrong. No question asked in love or to help you or another understand is off limits.

We are thankful for those that just brought up a Caleb story in regular conversation. Because he is not gone from our lives. And we love it when we get to talk about Caleb. Talking about that day, his thought process and what physically took place on that bridge helps me to hear myself, to understand and to heal. His last view of this world was beautiful. And if you PM me I will send you the picture I took of that view.

I hear of other suicides and my heart breaks for that family and their friends. We know all to well, the life altering pain that eminates from your spirit in that moment you are told. And I will share my story anywhere with anyone to keep just one parent from feeling this loss.

I thank God for his, love, grace, peace and for all he sent to love on us and who continue to do so.

I guess there was a few things I could say. His friend from Minnesota, performed a tribute to Caleb tonight. It brought me to tears. In the best way. It is about 3 songs in. She is the beautiful woman wearing the blue dress. The song is Bluebird originally sang by Sara Bareilles. I will link to it and another video from her in the comments.

1440.

I opened up a web page last night that made me start bawling. It was Caleb's SAT score. He did not get to learn of his results. He got a 1440. That is first try, no studying and zero sleep the night before. 

The saddest times for me do not lie with memories. It is the hopes and dreams and plans for the future that cause me to just absolutely lose it. Potential wasted. Caleb, I am so proud of you and your score. You will forever be gifted.

Love you, bud.

One Proud Momma.

I want to mention the three people I am most proud of this past week.

Jacob - He started this theatre season changing his mind about trying out for one of the kid parts. He was too nervous to do the singing audition, and he wasn't sure he'd like it. Well, a month into rehearsals, Dr. Roberts comes a callin' - she needs a boy to be one of the goats. He agrees, then ends up getting promoted to "Goat Herder". And... he loved it! He never once complained about the long hours of rehearsal almost every day after school. He loved hanging out with all the teens, and they loved him right back. After the first performance, he came home and said, "I want to be in every play from now on! That was awesome!" I am so glad that he's now got the "theatre bug" and officially gives me 7 more years with the Chapman Theatre. He worked so hard, and I'm so proud of him!

Levi - I cannot imagine how hard these past two months have been for him. He doesn't talk much, but he really seems to be handling it all well. Caleb pulled him into theatre, but that Chapman theatre family held him in, loved him hard, and made him their family these past two months. I am not only proud of what an amazing job he did in the performance, but I am most proud of what an amazing young man he is; how much strength and character he shows daily. And I'm glad he now loves theatre, because HE loves theatre. Levi was able to wear a jacket that Caleb wore in "Ballyhoo" last Fall in one of the scenes this week, which was so special. I hope he felt Caleb with him. I know that Caleb would be so proud of him this week!

Sean - I have been hoping I could rope Sean into somehow being involved with theatre using his "sound / tech" expertise for awhile now. He came to help Dr. Roberts Monday to set up her new mics, but ended up staying the entire week through every rehearsal. He saw the need and reached out to help hours every day. Sean has a specific sleep schedule that works well with his health issues. He pushed that aside this week to push himself to be there for Dr. Roberts and the cast. (Praying he doesn't get sick this week now!) He pushed harder than he probably should have, but he never complained to me, as well as never let anyone know how risky he was putting his health. Oh, and he loved those teens he got to work with! It really helped this week that he got to know many of the names he heard about often from Caleb. I think it helped ease the pain of this week. And Sean doesn't usually like kids that aren't ours, so that says a lot! So, I am so proud of Sean for putting himself out there and giving his service, no matter what the cost.

It Should Have Been You.

My boys did incredible tonight. They overcame their fears and inhibitions and just played the part. Couldn't be prouder. But when I arrived home I sat in the garage crying. I watched someone perform Caleb's part. He really did a great job. But it should have been Caleb. His fellow actors grew and stretched and raised the bar so far. He should have been here. Laughing, smiling. Miss you bud. Until we meet again. I love you always.

Another Witness.

God answers prayer! I asked God to send me someone who saw what happened to Caleb on that bridge. A couple of hours ago I spent 45 minutes sharing questions and answers with a guy whose life was changed by what he witnessed that day. We were both able to bring each other one more step closer to closure. And now I have one more person in Charleston to meet when I go back in February! You can do nothing to earn God's favor. He gives it freely to all his children. Thank you for a bit of peace during a difficult week!

Hamilton Poster

This poster was done by a classmate of Caleb's. It spoke to me and one of his teachers tracked it down for me. It is a play on the poster for Hamilton, the broadway musical.

A Great Idea.

Someone Asa knows sent us an Email a while back. I want to share it with you now. I have removed her name and if she wants to let you know her identity, she is more than welcome to do so. It touched us deeply. I pray it causes you to think a little, heal a little, change a little.... Here goes.....

I thought you guys might find this very enlightening-

UNC graduate’s death raises awareness of suicide

Family Carries on Mission After Daughter's Suicide

She was a graduate of Psychology at UNC. She even volunteered working for a suicide crisis hotline. She was just as ill as all she tried to help.

She set up a Gofundme (https://www.gofundme.com/priyab ) in December prior to her suicide back in January, to help her family pay off her student loans, funeral, and medical expenses, and gave the password to a friend. What she writes on her gofundme is so very very true and profound, I hope it helps give you more insight into how someone suffering thinks and feels. Especially her addressing suicide as selfish, and how she thought about it already for so very long, and explaining why she still was going to take her life .... I think, pray, her words will give you some reprieve. To me, it is even more telling that she was as educated and involved as you could ask anyone to be on mental health issues, and she still could not help herself, despite being able to help others- and despite those who loved her aware of how serious her illness was. I hope it will help ease some of the guilt, what if's, should I's, maybes- I know you are going through.

I want you to know that for as long as I, or someone in my circle of family or friends, live in Charleston, I (or they) will drop flowers off the bridge every year on Caleb's birthday in his remembrance, and say a prayer for your family.

I am currently working on a proposal for more additional preventive measures for suicide from the bridge in Charleston, and elsewhere, and will be sending to Sen. Chip Campsen, Barrett Mappus (Jules' father - http://thepresonfoundation.org/2015/08/05/whatever-it-takes/ ), the DOT, and Rep. Peter McCoy as they are working on finding solutions this year. I will send a copy to you both as well to let you know what options are being proposed.

I am also thinking of options to have a website created where people can set up pages (in private) for friends or family who they are concerned about who are suffering from depression, or they think may be contemplating suicide, or participating/living in very at risk behaviors (drugs/alcohol/staying in domestic violence situations, etc.)- where privately people can post the things they *would* have said, thought, remembered and posted had they heard that person had just died. Then, whoever initially set up the page for the person will give them access to it - and they can go and read all of the love, care, impact, etc. everyone has for them. Before things get too bad, or they are gone from this world.

I've just seen too many people pass away - and then in 3 days an overwhelming, outpouring of messages of love, memories, etc. pile in for them, (probably from a majority of people they didn't even realize cared or still had such love for them).... and ALL I can think of is - If that person would have been able to read all of this, hear all of these things, know how many people loved them, how many lives they touched without realizing it, how many people would have been there for them, would have dropped everything to come be by their side, take them away, help however.... would it have made a difference? Could it have saved them? Would they have been able to hear just the one or two things that could be what it takes to tip the scales, turn things around, give that person the extra whisper of hope to crawl out of their darkness.

And the only way we will ever know is to try. I do know there was a study done on 525 people who had been saved by emergency/lucky intervention and was prevented from committing suicide (when they were in an active attempt). Those people were kept track of over a 10, and 20 year period. After 20 years - only 6(!!!) of those 525 people had died by a subsequent suicide.

It sounds a bit crazy trying to type out the concept in just a paragraph or two - but my idea is somewhat similar to the article the lady wrote about finding out about her friend's death on Facebook. If someone's family, friends, colleagues, etc. can generate so many memorative (I may have taken liberty to make that word up) messages AFTER the fact - we need to find a way to do that BEFORE we lose them and see if it will make a difference ... if my crazy idea makes any sense?

Much love and prayers for now-

NAME REMOVED

Project Semicolon ; "Your Story Isn't Over".

A few days ago Amy Bleuel , a leader in the suicide prevention and advocacy movement, Took her own life. Amy came up with the semicolon idea. That just like a semicolon, you can continue even when “your sentence” seems finished. The organization’s tagline is: “Your story isn’t over.”

Another Suicide Advocate wrote: "Suicide prevention work is done almost exclusively by people who have lost someone to suicide or who have experienced their own suicidality. Often, the calling to suicide prevention comes close on the heels of a near miss with an attempt, or the suicide death of someone we love, and it comes with urgency. In that way, it puts many of us in a precarious position: we so desperately want to save others from suicide that we forget to save ourselves. We dive in with our life raft before we learn to swim."

It is not about head knowledge of suicide. From the World Health Organization: At a more personal level, it is important to know that only a small number of suicides happen without warning. Most people who die by suicide give definite warnings of their intentions. Therefore, all threats of self-harm should be taken seriously. In addition, a majority of people who attempt suicide are ambivalent and not entirely intent on dying. Many suicides occur in a period of improvement when the person has the energy and the will to turn despairing thoughts into destructive action. However, a once-suicidal person is not necessarily always at risk: suicidal thoughts may return but they are not permanent and in some people they may never return. Source: World Health Organization (WHO)

Click Here to Learn More.

God Said, "Now."

WARNING: I speak of Caleb's passing in a very frank manner. It is pure, raw emotion and thinking. It contains viewpoints that are not popular and are considered by many to be controversial. If you are having trouble thinking about that day, or what happened to Caleb or what he did. STOP READING NOW.

This post is meant more for the spiritually mature among you. Obviously, anyone is welcome to read this, but the significance will be lost on all but a few and I understand that.

And he gave some, (to be) apostles; and some, (to be) prophets; and some, (to be) evangelists; and some, (to be) pastors and (to be) teachers; Ephesians 4:11

I have added the quotes for clarity.

I have known for decades of what my gifting is. At that same time, I also have felt that God was telling me to wait. I have not been released. So, I have waited, impatiently at times, as I continue to grow in the wisdom and experience that only comes from age and living your life.

And I have watched as others, much younger than I, being released in their gifting and watching God bless their efforts greatly. I waited. There is a business saying I heard that spoke to my spirit, and I mean deeply, "I will prepare and my time will come."

God has brought many different, wonderful men and women in my life to teach, show, encourage, correct and even reprimand. I waited. I have an almost unending list of miracles in my life. I waited. Through all of these circumstances and obstacles overcome, I have wondered, is now the time? I waited. I kind of stopped thinking actively about my gift. Not ignored it. But, when God's timing is perfect, I would know. So... I waited.

And then the unimaginable happened. My beautiful, first born son. Who gracefully endured his parents learning curve, as we learned how to be a parent. How to give freedom to become what God had placed in his spirit. But still providing the proper boundaries to keep him safe and heading in the right direction.

So you can see how Asa and I naturally struggle with the, "What if I?", Questions. Did I do, say, be or not be something that caused Caleb despair? Or did I ignore, willingly or not, a cry or sign of what was happening deep within? the underlining thought being, Did I contribute to the death of my child? And the ultimate question: Was his death my fault? Leading me to question many parts of my life and my relationships.

In the end though, Caleb himself made the choice and the decision to murder someone. He murdered himself. I get that it sounds harsh. But that is what suicide is. The Bible is clear: Thou shall not murder. And I think that is why some families feel ashamed and other friends and family are not sure how to approach those loved ones that are left with the consequences. Because of the sin involved. This does not mean Caleb was not mentally ill, or in great pain, or maybe even confused by the whispering of lies by Satan in his ear. But it was still sin. Do not confuse me saying that with thinking Caleb was a bad person, Or that God does not or did not love Caleb in that moment or forgive the sin and welcome Caleb into heaven.

What does the circumstances of Caleb's passing have to do with me waiting? Because in the midst of the greatest sorrow a parent can face. The confusion and mental turmoil. The brokenness and the hurt. The anger at myself and my son. The pure anguish in my spirit and what felt like the literal tearing apart of my soul in the moment I realized that yes, Caleb is missing. But we know he is not alive on this earth any longer.

And that horrible day, God said, "Now" and he imparted a part of Himself that was not known to me the day before. The last thing I care about right now is my gifting. And how I will function in the body of Christ. Furthermore, I do not want to give of myself at all to anyone for any reason. I wanted to crawl up in a fetal position in a cave somewhere and just hide and be alone with myself and with God. And today? Right now? At my weakest, at my lowest? God said, "Now".

I will tell you this, I could not have given of myself, or shared God's love and mercy and grace with those that are mourning. With what seemed like a mountain in front of me: How can I comfort my wife, my kids, my family and those who knew and loved Caleb, God said, "Now", and he imparted in me the gifting I needed

And I give God all the glory, all the credit. It is only by His grace and love and power I was able to be a reflection of anything that was Godly or love for others in the following weeks.

What does this mean going forward? I have several spiritual mentors that are seeking God with me for direction. And what is next is almost irrelevant to me. Because God has prepared me, and the time is, "Now."

I love you Caleb, thank you for being you. You changed my world, in the most positive ways imaginable. God willing, I would love to meet all of my grand kids and to bless them before I come home with you. So I will patiently await that day. But the moment I arrive, I am giving you the biggest hug from your mom, your brothers and all those who loved you!

Thinking of you.

I will always think of Caleb every time I'm about to pump gas. Maybe I'm pre-dementia, but I can never remember what side of the car my gas tank is on. Through his random online education, Caleb discovered that this little arrow next to the gas picture tells you which side it's on. Over 20 years of driving, and I never noticed the stinkin' arrow!! So, thank you Caleb!  ♥