Parents, Please Reach Out.

Asa and I have been talking to people who have lived through / studied this issue. Parents, please do not make the mistake of thinking that talking to your kids about suicide, will somehow plant the seed of an idea that was not there originally. Kids need to process, talk about, have a safe place to ask hard questions. It is kind of like the conversation you have with your kids about sex. Keep it ongoing, keep asking, keep informing. Do not let little comments go by. If they make a flippant comment about hurting themselves, followed by,"Come on Mom, I would never, I am only joking." Do not ignore that.

Telling your kids how much they are loved, while important, does not factor a great bit in the decision to kill themselves. Let them know that their pain is temporary. Let them know there are many different resources to help It does not matter were you start. Your family doctor. Mental health professional. School counselor or a member of the clergy.

I am sorry to say this, beware of the last group telling you that prayer and believing in healing is enough. A pastor never told us that but I have heard it taught from the pulpit many times. Do both those things fervently. Pray, believe, and over all have faith. That God will send you the proper help. Then immediately go and seek out that help.

Anyone that says, oh, it's just a phase. I was sad as a teenager, I got over it. Do not, I repeat, do not ignore that small, still voice inside you. Telling you your kid is not being truthful about their feelings. And teenagers, If someone comes to you speak up! Tell an adult.

Suicides can come in groups, copycats, These next months are crucial. Stay vigilant. Stay prayerful. Keep your hearts, eyes and ears open. I love you all.

And parents, if you are concerned about somebody, REACH OUT to Asa or myself. We will gladly listen to your story.

Teens, Please Reach Out.

Teens, if you are lonely, sad a bunch of the time, you know you are good at hiding the pain, REACH OUT to Asa or myself. We have answers, resources, help. Let us help you find relief. It is out there. We will help you find it together. The pain does not have to last. REACH OUT. Asa and I love the kids of our community so much. We care about you and we WANT to hear from you.

Suicide Letter

We received and read your letter yesterday, and all I could think was "you sweet, stupid boy". It wasn't an angry tirade full of deep description of your pain. It was simple explanations. You knew this would hurt us. You couldn't take it anymore, and you wanted out. So you transferred the pain to us. I know that it's not politically correct to say suicide is a selfish act, but that is how I feel today. Maybe not tomorrow. But today I am so hurt by your choice. We begged you to tell us before things "got bad". We offered you help. We supported you. You had so many people who would have rescued you. But you didn't go the rest of the way. So, now we have to make a new "normal".

I watched "Pride and Prejudice" today. I had told you that was on my "list" for us. You balked at the idea. But you would have watched it, and halfway through, you would have been curled up on the couch hitting me when all the sweet, sappy parts happened. I miss watching movies with you. So, much has been taken from me. I will forgive you. And deep down, I understand. 

But this is agony, Caleb.

Thank You!

God is so good to us. Thank you for healing all who have been touched by this tragedy.

God Will Heal my Heart...

God will heal my heart one day. Slowly, it will happen. And I will stop playing back every time I let him down or just outright hurt him. I was not the perfect father. But he is now with the one who is.

I am so sorry Caleb. I know that I hurt you in private but this is my public apology to you. This is not me having a pity party. This is me on my healing journey. Acknowledging, validating Caleb's perspective. I know he loved me in spite of my failures. But I feel the need to shout everything I feel. And not only the stuff I am proud of, but of my mistakes as well. And my vow to be better. I will take the shame that was meant to destroy me and I will turn that shame into motivation to be more like my heavenly father. I love you and I know you love me.

You All Are Just Plain Awesome!

Although I do not respond to every note and like...Please know I read each and every one. I look at who likes and loves and is sad. It helps me tremendously. I feel like I have an entire community that is lifting me up. And since words of encouragement is my number 1 love language. You all are just plain awesome.

BTW below is a great book for understanding yourself, your significant other, coworkers, or your kids. They have a free online quiz. 

Because you should take parenting advice from me! You have got to see the irony and sarcasm in that last sentence...Caleb would have enjoyed that statement! 

Click Here for The 5 Love Languages Quiz

Did You Know how Much I Loved You?

This night has been incredibly difficult. It feels like when we first found out. Caleb Zwiernikowski did you know how much I loved you? Did you really know? I told you I loved you unconditionally, I meant it. Caleb, you have shaken my confidence as a parent to the core. I thought I was doing right by you. Respecting your goals and dreams even when I did not like it. Did I give you to much leash to quickly?

Forgive me son. As i work to forgive myself. I have your brothers and your mom to take care of. To shepherd and guide them through this horrible mess you left behind. I love you, Caleb. I don't really care about me but can you get with Jesus and make sure your brothers are OK? They seem OK. Only God really knows. Make sure you... I do not believe that you have any more special connection to God than I do. But it never hurts to put in a good word.

I honestly don't believe you are looking over us. It is not what the Bible says. God has his angels for that. However, I know that I know your soul is at rest with God and those who have gone before you. I love you, bud. May God give me the strength to love our family the way He loves each one of his children. I miss you. I love you unconditionally. But boy are you testing me on that last one! I feel better now. I just saw your smile. I loved our humor. You, me and Levi. I was looking forward to bringing Joseph into our "inappropriate joke and comments club." I think Joseph will bring an air of intelligence and sophistication. And you are going to miss it. Good night Caleb. For me, not you. You are pulling a permanent all niter!

Caleb Has Been Found.

We received word an hour ago that Caleb has been found and recovered. A private memorial service will take place soon. Your prayers are appreciated.

Trying to: Change the Conversation, Change a Life!

I am not here to justify my reasons for the following post or get into a theological discussion. If you do not agree then just ignore...or go rant on your page. This lesson is born from our pain and is the opinion of both Asa and myself. Go pray about this post and ask God if it pertains to your life or your situation.

Trying to: Change the conversation, change a life!

SHOUT IT. REACH OUT. The enemy works best in silence; in the shadows of your mind he whispers,"You don't believe enough, have enough faith. Do not seek help from a medical professional. It is an outward sign of spiritual weakness. Of shame." So hide and let Satan speak into your mind and into your life. Slowly, quietly, a toe hold becomes a foot hold becomes a stronghold. You notice a pattern of bad things happening in your relationships and in your life. You develop masks to hide behind and your mental sickness continues to worsen. You are reminded by the deceiver, that your lack of belief is fueling this cycle. You stay silent. Vow to have more faith in God for your mental healing. And the pressure mounts and mounts. You begin to hate yourself. You believe for healing from God alone with everything in you, but healing does not come. So you must be unworthy of His healing touch.

Until one day the pressure mounts so great, you would give anything to make it stop. But someone who believes that they are unworthy, unloved, broken on the inside, does not speak up or reach out. Their confused, diseased mind, creates a plan to relieve the pressure and the pain permanently... and in relieving their own internal pain, it is multiplied and handed out to all who knew him and loved him for a lifetime of wondering why? and what if?

Because from the pulpit too many sermons readily back up those lies. That all it takes is more faith when it comes to healing mental illness. You just don't believe enough, so believe more. Healing is in your hands, you just have to want it bad enough....But....

Where is the grace? in the last paragraph, for someone who is struggling to find the courage to SPEAK UP. SHOUT IT. REACH OUT? Where is the Grace? For the one whom literally can not remember what joy feels like any more. They want to, but that emotion is just gone. Where is the grace? For those that know they are broken mentally. Hide, Don't say something that will reveal your spiritual shame. Where is the grace? For the family watching their loved one struggle and hurt? But wait once more...

If they were to snap their femur leg bone in two pieces. Yes, you would immediately pray and believe for healing, But at the same time calling in a team of medical professionals or rushing the injured to them.

The injured gets medication for pain. medication to numb the leg. Maybe a muscle relaxer. perhaps a tetanus shot. Antibiotic for possible infection. an x-ray to develop a plan of care. Set the broken bone and let it heal? Maybe some metal screws or plates. I bet you let the doctor determine what is best! A cast to immobilize the area. Giving it weeks or months to heal. Then rehab professionals. No weight to start. Than a little weight. Painful exercises to regain both muscle and bone strength. Vitamins given to address any deficiencies that may have made your bones a tad bit weaker than normal to begin with.

All these steps are standard procedures and many more steps I am sure I missed. Because I am not a medical professional, I am not qualified to decide the best options to bring about healing. I do know that whichever path for healing is chosen. The consequences of taking proper steps remains almost the same. ...

Putting your life on hold? Check. Rearrange your entire schedule around this? Check. Unable to participate in the monumental game or event still taking place in a week? Check. But it is super important! Doesn't matter. Check. Exact time frame for total healing? Guesstimate only. Every body is different. It takes how long it takes. Check. Multiple visits to several different licensed professionals in their area of expertise? Check...But...

If you prayed for healing and then did none of or only a couple of these aforementioned steps, You would be be deemed grossly negligent and probably forcibly remanded to the hospital...But we are talking about your mind right now...

One of if not the most complex organs in the body? Why not seek out professional help to get a diagnosis? Then decide upon a plan of care? Don't even discuss medications because of the side effects and how you are chemically changing the brain and body? Ask yourself, none of those medications in the previous example altered the mind chemically or had side effects? Does sugar or caffeine have side effects on the mind? Oh wait! They do?!

I could continue on but I think my point has been made. But to recap... GRACE, GRACE, and more GRACE. SHOUT IT. REACH OUT. Change the conversation, change a life!

My Paternal Grandmother Passed.

My paternal grandmother went to be with the Lord a couple of hours ago. She has been under hospice care for a couple months and we knew the time was close. I loved my grandma so much. She was my rock and always gave me the best advise. There is a party going on right now! Have fun you guys. I've got a few more things to do before I will see you again. But I am looking forward to the reunion!

Click Here for the Obituary

Lorena Alvira Zwiernikowski

You are not Alone.

If anyone wants to talk you can send me a message. You are not alone. I am here to just listen. Please, do not hurt alone. As long as you are not thinking of harming yourself, it is only between us. If you feel like no one listens, no one cares, let's talk.

Felt Nothing.

I don't understand how you said you felt "nothing" when you made so many others feel so much. Thank you all for the written memories on posts, his memorial, and in my memory jar.

What is a Father's Duty?

What is a father's duty? To provide for his family? To protect them from harm? To guide his sons and let that tether go a bit at a time? To know when he has released too much? To reign them back in?

These questions will go forward with me. More poignant than they have ever been before.

Caleb, I do feel like I let you down. I could have listened more. Been more understanding. Showed my love for you more. Been more patient.

None of that, though, would have stopped you. We sat and watched a documentary on overcoming depression and what to do with feelings of suicide. You watched as these people, against mind boggling odds, took control of their thought processes and reached out for help and got it. Two weeks ago! We talked about being honest with your feelings to us. But no, you made your choice. And now I live with the consequences of your choice.

I love you, Caleb Zwiernikowski. Both your Mom and I. You were conceived in our love. I let you know how many awesome things that were just around the corner. Learning fun subjects. Dating and falling in love. Waking up each day to conquer your dreams. Kids of your own. And a wife Asa could love like a daughter. 

But you made a choice. I don't like your choice. Agree with your choice. Your choice changed my life. I was already good with the rocks I had to carry. I will carry one more. Oh the dreams I had for you! I looked forward to helping you develop a plan to achieve those dreams. I wanted to work on your dreams together, as a team. I looked forward to running sound for you one day. My passion and yours intersecting. I love you, bud. Forgive me as I struggle to forgive myself.

Suicide Part 2.

One more thing on suicide. We have found out that several times, Caleb mentioned to a friend that he had "once thought about" suicide, but he was "better now". But nobody said anything. Our students have had drilled into them over the last ten years that if they hear the word "gun" or see one, they need to immediately run to an adult and tell them. It should be the same for the word "suicide". Even if the person says they no longer feel that way, they mentioned it for a reason. Betray your friend's trust and let an adult know. You may save their life or be able to get them help that they didn't even realize was out there.

Depression & Suicide

I do not want to keep focusing on my sadness and writing about it. I will move on soon to happier memories and normal everyday posts again (my boys will need that). But I do want to talk about two things briefly: depression and suicide.

I have never had issues with depression. I am blessed. Sean has somewhat the last few years, but it is attributed to his medical issues. There is such a stigma in regards to depression that I believed the stigma somewhat myself. When Caleb came to us in 9th grade and said, after some online research and self diagnosing, he thought he had depression, I will be honest with you. We didn't think it was true. He was just stressed with school. He wasn't adjusting right to the changes and just needed to figure out a better way to deal with the stress. He wasn't "depressed" when things were going well, so that couldn't be true. He would come to us and ask how to get motivated or how to stay on track. Our advice was, "you just do it"; we had no idea what else to say.

This last week, I have learned so much. I have had numerous people message me with their own stories of lifelong issues with depression. A good friend shared with me her own story of almost taking her life as a teen and the thoughts that flooded her mind during that time. I finally feel like I'm beginning to understand. It is so debilitating. You can't just choose to be happy. Choose to make better choices. Choose to not feel hopeless.

I wish I had understood this more two weeks ago. Honestly, I don't know totally what I would do different. Talk more. Try to understand more. Get a therapist for him sooner. Caleb never asked for medication (having done the research and knowing it was risky), but maybe it would have helped. All I know was his teen years should not have been focused on expectations and his guilt of not meeting them. I will forever think to myself what more could we have done.

I have grown up in churches that encouraged the stigma of suicide, depression, and even divorce and homosexuality. When we tell people "just pray harder", "believe God more", or "what sin is holding you back from being free", there is no grace there. There is no grace to believe you are still a good person and that you are not the only one suffering.

I remember sitting in 11th grade English and the student teacher (for some reason) was asked if you go to heaven if you commit suicide. She gave the "Christian" answer and said no. A boy in my class, got up and left crying. His brother had committed suicide. The teacher realized her mistake, and I remember thinking how stupid she was; that no one can judge anyone else' relationship with God.

We have to show grace and mercy. There are people whose lives we touch every day. We have to think, "What kind of effect will my words, my actions, have on this person?" I love all the stories that I continue to hear about people who Caleb touched their lives. He would sit with the person nobody wanted to sit with and make someone laugh who he knew felt bad. I want to live Caleb's legacy by trying to be that person. You just never know whose life you can save.

Tonight I'm Allright.

Sitting here tonight, and I'm finally feeling a small amount of peace. The last few days have been hard, with last night and this morning the hardest. We basically had 5 different memorials in 4 days. Each one was needed and special. Each one, we were able to comfort others and had life giving words provided to us, as well. But we are hitting that place where we are drained. I have barely had a chance to look at the FB posts on my wall and have not even glanced at the memorial site. Not because I can't; it's just been so busy this week. All good things, but tiring - emotionally and physically. I am so looking forward to comforting myself with your words and stories of Caleb.

A good friend of Caleb's said that settling into normality this week was the hardest. It is for me, too. I had to put his lunch box up so I wouldn't see it each morning. I didn't know what to do with his bath towels after washing them. I constantly wonder, "Are the other boys really alright, or are they just saying that?" It will be hard for a long while.

But tonight, I'm alright. Our pastor and family took us out for dinner, and for the first time, I was okay in public. My thoughts weren't constantly focused on Caleb. We had good friends over this afternoon that let us just talk through all our feelings. It was freeing. Mornings I've found are the hardest. And morning is just a few hours away. But I'm going to keep filling my day with the love and support we have been overwhelmed with this past week. Sean and I cannot thank all of you enough for how you've helped us. Every picture, every comment, every message is so appreciated. 

Love to you all!

In Shock.

I feel like it is time for me to share some words. I have not sat down and read any of the posts, private messages, or text messages. I just have not been able to yet. Sean has been amazing to do all the calls for me and provide a buffer between me and all the "stuff" so I can have time to deal with my own pain. I plan to begin reading the messages today and will respond to each one as soon as I'm able. Sean and I have been so amazed by the outpouring of love you are showing to us, our family, and Caleb. Levi has been showing me what the students are doing on Instagram, and it is so amazing! Caleb is so loved.

I can't share exactly what I feel. There are just no words. Some moments I feel numb. Some I cry. Some we are laughing at a great memory. Some moments, we are talking about something else, and then all of a sudden, I will remember something he was going to do (like his plans for this summer or a movie I have waiting on the DVR to watch with him), and I will be overcome with sadness. And, yes, I have moments where I am angry and hurt. It just doesn't feel real. It still feels like we're talking about someone else. Because Caleb would never do this. This would never happen to our family. Caleb would have done something smaller, a cry for help, and we would have known that things are really serious. Caleb has too many plans and great things going on in his life, he would never just leave us.

I feel so much guilt. He has been struggling for a few years now, and we have done a lot to help him. It feels like a vicious cycle looking back. All I can think is that I wish we had done more. I wish he had given us a warning that it was this bad; not just normal teenage stress, normal high achiever stress. Please listen to this, especially his friends - This was his choice. He chose not to have someone intervene. If any of us had known, we would have done whatever it took to save him. I want to say the words "we did enough" but even I don't believe that; I constantly think "I should have done more". That will haunt me a long time. But the fact is, this was his choice. It unbearably hurts, but we have to find peace and remember him in love, not guilt.

Everyone says that you are not supposed to be "friends" with your kids / teens, but aside from Sean, Caleb was my best friend. We had the best time together. I loved coming home and talking politics with him or showing him clips from late shows on You Tube. His love for theatre brought us even closer, because that was my passion in high school, as well. Over the last year, we had a lot of "theatre dates" as we called them. He told me once when driving home from one, that it was his favorite thing to do. A seventeen year old told his mom that his favorite thing to do was go on a date with her. He was the best. A good friend shared with me yesterday that her daughter said, "Mom, I look at their pictures from their college visits, and they just look like such great friends." And we were. I am so absolutely grateful for that.

Everyone keeps asking about how the other boys are doing. They seem to be handling this okay. Not a lot of questions, but they understand. I was most worried about Levi, because he and Caleb were so close. But Levi seems to be doing good. He has a great group of friends that are texting him constantly with love and support.

I did not go to the bridge today with Sean. I just couldn't do it. Later in the evening, the boys and I went to dinner with my parents and then the boys wanted to do "something" (probably needed a distraction), so we went and played mini golf. That was hard. Just trying to act normal in public. On the way back to the hotel, there was a beautiful full moon in the sky. The boys were arguing over what song to play, and Levi picked "Africa" by Toto (Side story - the Chapman chorus, which Caleb and Levi are in, were beginning to work on this song and Caleb loved it - he loved 80's music - and he was so excited about the song). All of a sudden, I was overcome with the need to say goodbye to Caleb. I knew I couldn't leave Charleston, without saying good bye to him, because I honestly don't know if I'll come back to this city again. I could not bring myself to go to the bridge, so I dropped the boys off at the hotel with Sean and my dad drove me to the battery. I sat by myself, looking at the water, and talked to Caleb, cried, prayed, and said goodbye. I probably will continue to do that a lot. We don't know why he chose Charleston, he knew it was my favorite place, but I told him he chose a beautiful place to be his last.

I cannot put into words how much every single person on here means to us. We are blown away by how many people are reaching out to us. He left such an amazing legacy; I don't think he knew how loved he was. In the next week, I'm going to begin using the online memorial for "Caleb stories". It is going to be my place to share memories so that I don't forget one single moment and so that my other boys have a place to share Caleb with their kids one day. I would like to ask his friends to do the same. Share with me your favorite memories with Caleb. Post them on the memorial site. We paid one fee that will leave it their forever.

Again, no words can say enough of how grateful we are. Grateful for all the love. Grateful for the 17 years we had with Caleb. The pain will take a long time to subside, but I can already feel God's healing setting in. I pray that it will for you, too.

Visiting the Bridge.

I am laying here again. We are headed back to Inman in the morning. But right now there us such a peace in our room tonight. A peace that comes from God. Your prayers are being answered!

I visited Ravanel bridge today. Some wanted to and some didn't. Both ways were the proper way to grieve. Ironically, all of us who did go have height issues, but none of us felt nothing but safe. The railing was over my head. And no, I will not share with you the location. I gave Caleb a stern talking to (just kidding) I said my Good bye's.

The detective on the case and our victims advocate spent about 3 hours on a Saturday, first at our hotel, then accompanying us onto the bridge. They have been available to our family as much as we want them to be. Sheriff Chuck Wright offered any and all assistance needed by the Mount Pleasant PD, all they had to do was ask. And our Inman PD Chief, Keith Tucker, has offered the same. Amazing!

I have no idea of what turn out will be on Tuesday, I am concerned about space. Know if we need to have another memorial due to folks not fitting in, we will. Asa and I will stay after until every neck is hugged and every person is heard by us. We do plan on videoing the service and posting it in a few days.

We want to publicly thank the head pastor of Inman First Baptist, Dr. Paul Moore, who did not hesitate one moment when asked to open his sanctuary to the community. And we do not attend there either.

We are not ashamed of how Caleb died. It is called suicide, and we have long believed suicide is not a dis qualifier to God. We know where Caleb is. If you are feeling overwhelmed, REACH OUT. There are too many great resources and people who want to listen and to help. Do not isolate yourself.

Asa and I love you so much. Your prayers are working. We will let you know if anything else is needed.

God is with us all tonight!

Your heartfelt words are such a comfort to me as I sit here in my recliner, next to the King sized bed, as Asa is asleep with the boys next to her, also asleep. She will respond in time. God is with us all tonight! Know that Asa and I are discussing how to best offer you a chance to say goodbye one last time. As we also want to look into each one of your eyes and tell you how much he loved you all. And how this incredible outpouring of love and support, along with with our faith in Jesus Christ, will somehow allow us to get through the upcoming days.
                                                                                            
A word of advice to all who are hurting. Everyone of us is asking why? We may never have an adequate answer on this side of eternity. Second, each one of you is asking, what did I miss? What if I had said something? Noticed something? Not gotten angry? Did this or that?

That line of questioning will lead you down a path to a very bad place. You loved him. He was hurting. We tried getting him help. He chose an action with consequences we will all bear for a lifetime. He is at peace now. He is hurting no more. You classmates and friends need to come together in love and support each other. Remember the good times, Cherish them. Cherish each other.

And Please, if you are hurting so bad you are thinking of harming yourself, reach out to someone, anyone, us. If you want to honor Caleb, his memory, our loss. Do not bring any more pain into this situation. REACH OUT. Asa and I love you all. And when she is able, your words, will form a blanket of love and support that wraps around her in the lonely times to come. Know that Gods peace is with our family. If you want to know about that peace, we would enjoy sharing with you.

Official Announcement.

This is Sean Zwiernikowski. It is with great sadness Asa and I want to officially let you know Caleb Christopher Zwiernikowski went to be with the Lord on February 9th, 2017 in Charleston, SC. They are still looking for his body which may take months. We appreciate all the messages you sent. Please understand we are not returning any messages at this time. Arrangements to be announced at a later date.

Caleb is Missing...

Sean and I believe strongly in prayer, and that is the only reason I am posting this. We need everyone we know praying for us right now. We found out this evening that Caleb is missing. 

His car was found in Charleston, and the police are looking for him. I am not going to go into any further details. If you are close friends of ours, please don't be hurt that I didn't contact you directly. I am just numb and trying to hold myself together. Sean and I are on our way to Charleston now. Please send up prayers for us. I am not going to post anything else until we have news. Thank you for your prayers and understanding.