I feel like it is time for me to share some words. I have not sat down and read any of the posts, private messages, or text messages. I just have not been able to yet. Sean has been amazing to do all the calls for me and provide a buffer between me and all the "stuff" so I can have time to deal with my own pain. I plan to begin reading the messages today and will respond to each one as soon as I'm able. Sean and I have been so amazed by the outpouring of love you are showing to us, our family, and Caleb. Levi has been showing me what the students are doing on Instagram, and it is so amazing! Caleb is so loved.
I can't share exactly what I feel. There are just no words. Some moments I feel numb. Some I cry. Some we are laughing at a great memory. Some moments, we are talking about something else, and then all of a sudden, I will remember something he was going to do (like his plans for this summer or a movie I have waiting on the DVR to watch with him), and I will be overcome with sadness. And, yes, I have moments where I am angry and hurt. It just doesn't feel real. It still feels like we're talking about someone else. Because Caleb would never do this. This would never happen to our family. Caleb would have done something smaller, a cry for help, and we would have known that things are really serious. Caleb has too many plans and great things going on in his life, he would never just leave us.
I feel so much guilt. He has been struggling for a few years now, and we have done a lot to help him. It feels like a vicious cycle looking back. All I can think is that I wish we had done more. I wish he had given us a warning that it was this bad; not just normal teenage stress, normal high achiever stress. Please listen to this, especially his friends - This was his choice. He chose not to have someone intervene. If any of us had known, we would have done whatever it took to save him. I want to say the words "we did enough" but even I don't believe that; I constantly think "I should have done more". That will haunt me a long time. But the fact is, this was his choice. It unbearably hurts, but we have to find peace and remember him in love, not guilt.
Everyone says that you are not supposed to be "friends" with your kids / teens, but aside from Sean, Caleb was my best friend. We had the best time together. I loved coming home and talking politics with him or showing him clips from late shows on You Tube. His love for theatre brought us even closer, because that was my passion in high school, as well. Over the last year, we had a lot of "theatre dates" as we called them. He told me once when driving home from one, that it was his favorite thing to do. A seventeen year old told his mom that his favorite thing to do was go on a date with her. He was the best. A good friend shared with me yesterday that her daughter said, "Mom, I look at their pictures from their college visits, and they just look like such great friends." And we were. I am so absolutely grateful for that.
Everyone keeps asking about how the other boys are doing. They seem to be handling this okay. Not a lot of questions, but they understand. I was most worried about Levi, because he and Caleb were so close. But Levi seems to be doing good. He has a great group of friends that are texting him constantly with love and support.
I did not go to the bridge today with Sean. I just couldn't do it. Later in the evening, the boys and I went to dinner with my parents and then the boys wanted to do "something" (probably needed a distraction), so we went and played mini golf. That was hard. Just trying to act normal in public. On the way back to the hotel, there was a beautiful full moon in the sky. The boys were arguing over what song to play, and Levi picked "Africa" by Toto (Side story - the Chapman chorus, which Caleb and Levi are in, were beginning to work on this song and Caleb loved it - he loved 80's music - and he was so excited about the song). All of a sudden, I was overcome with the need to say goodbye to Caleb. I knew I couldn't leave Charleston, without saying good bye to him, because I honestly don't know if I'll come back to this city again. I could not bring myself to go to the bridge, so I dropped the boys off at the hotel with Sean and my dad drove me to the battery. I sat by myself, looking at the water, and talked to Caleb, cried, prayed, and said goodbye. I probably will continue to do that a lot. We don't know why he chose Charleston, he knew it was my favorite place, but I told him he chose a beautiful place to be his last.
I cannot put into words how much every single person on here means to us. We are blown away by how many people are reaching out to us. He left such an amazing legacy; I don't think he knew how loved he was. In the next week, I'm going to begin using the online memorial for "Caleb stories". It is going to be my place to share memories so that I don't forget one single moment and so that my other boys have a place to share Caleb with their kids one day. I would like to ask his friends to do the same. Share with me your favorite memories with Caleb. Post them on the memorial site. We paid one fee that will leave it their forever.
Again, no words can say enough of how grateful we are. Grateful for all the love. Grateful for the 17 years we had with Caleb. The pain will take a long time to subside, but I can already feel God's healing setting in. I pray that it will for you, too.
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