Depression & Suicide

I do not want to keep focusing on my sadness and writing about it. I will move on soon to happier memories and normal everyday posts again (my boys will need that). But I do want to talk about two things briefly: depression and suicide.

I have never had issues with depression. I am blessed. Sean has somewhat the last few years, but it is attributed to his medical issues. There is such a stigma in regards to depression that I believed the stigma somewhat myself. When Caleb came to us in 9th grade and said, after some online research and self diagnosing, he thought he had depression, I will be honest with you. We didn't think it was true. He was just stressed with school. He wasn't adjusting right to the changes and just needed to figure out a better way to deal with the stress. He wasn't "depressed" when things were going well, so that couldn't be true. He would come to us and ask how to get motivated or how to stay on track. Our advice was, "you just do it"; we had no idea what else to say.

This last week, I have learned so much. I have had numerous people message me with their own stories of lifelong issues with depression. A good friend shared with me her own story of almost taking her life as a teen and the thoughts that flooded her mind during that time. I finally feel like I'm beginning to understand. It is so debilitating. You can't just choose to be happy. Choose to make better choices. Choose to not feel hopeless.

I wish I had understood this more two weeks ago. Honestly, I don't know totally what I would do different. Talk more. Try to understand more. Get a therapist for him sooner. Caleb never asked for medication (having done the research and knowing it was risky), but maybe it would have helped. All I know was his teen years should not have been focused on expectations and his guilt of not meeting them. I will forever think to myself what more could we have done.

I have grown up in churches that encouraged the stigma of suicide, depression, and even divorce and homosexuality. When we tell people "just pray harder", "believe God more", or "what sin is holding you back from being free", there is no grace there. There is no grace to believe you are still a good person and that you are not the only one suffering.

I remember sitting in 11th grade English and the student teacher (for some reason) was asked if you go to heaven if you commit suicide. She gave the "Christian" answer and said no. A boy in my class, got up and left crying. His brother had committed suicide. The teacher realized her mistake, and I remember thinking how stupid she was; that no one can judge anyone else' relationship with God.

We have to show grace and mercy. There are people whose lives we touch every day. We have to think, "What kind of effect will my words, my actions, have on this person?" I love all the stories that I continue to hear about people who Caleb touched their lives. He would sit with the person nobody wanted to sit with and make someone laugh who he knew felt bad. I want to live Caleb's legacy by trying to be that person. You just never know whose life you can save.