What is a Father's Duty?

What is a father's duty? To provide for his family? To protect them from harm? To guide his sons and let that tether go a bit at a time? To know when he has released too much? To reign them back in?

These questions will go forward with me. More poignant than they have ever been before.

Caleb, I do feel like I let you down. I could have listened more. Been more understanding. Showed my love for you more. Been more patient.

None of that, though, would have stopped you. We sat and watched a documentary on overcoming depression and what to do with feelings of suicide. You watched as these people, against mind boggling odds, took control of their thought processes and reached out for help and got it. Two weeks ago! We talked about being honest with your feelings to us. But no, you made your choice. And now I live with the consequences of your choice.

I love you, Caleb Zwiernikowski. Both your Mom and I. You were conceived in our love. I let you know how many awesome things that were just around the corner. Learning fun subjects. Dating and falling in love. Waking up each day to conquer your dreams. Kids of your own. And a wife Asa could love like a daughter. 

But you made a choice. I don't like your choice. Agree with your choice. Your choice changed my life. I was already good with the rocks I had to carry. I will carry one more. Oh the dreams I had for you! I looked forward to helping you develop a plan to achieve those dreams. I wanted to work on your dreams together, as a team. I looked forward to running sound for you one day. My passion and yours intersecting. I love you, bud. Forgive me as I struggle to forgive myself.