We received and read your letter yesterday, and all I could think was "you sweet, stupid boy". It wasn't an angry tirade full of deep description of your pain. It was simple explanations. You knew this would hurt us. You couldn't take it anymore, and you wanted out. So you transferred the pain to us. I know that it's not politically correct to say suicide is a selfish act, but that is how I feel today. Maybe not tomorrow. But today I am so hurt by your choice. We begged you to tell us before things "got bad". We offered you help. We supported you. You had so many people who would have rescued you. But you didn't go the rest of the way. So, now we have to make a new "normal".
I watched "Pride and Prejudice" today. I had told you that was on my "list" for us. You balked at the idea. But you would have watched it, and halfway through, you would have been curled up on the couch hitting me when all the sweet, sappy parts happened. I miss watching movies with you. So, much has been taken from me. I will forgive you. And deep down, I understand.
But this is agony, Caleb.
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